January 2004

HEY DAMN YEAH // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Friday, 01.30.04
Henry Rollins spoken word in four hours. I've seen him every year since, like, 1999, and I swear it never gets old. Here are some articles collected by Rollins-News.com, if you've never seen him before, I'm sure there are tickets still avaiable all over the country.

Rollins' Performances Speak to Fans -- NY Daily News
Rollins Looks at Life with Sardonic Wit -- Poughkeepsie Journal
Rollins Sets to Perform Tonight -- LSU Reveille
Rollins Doesn't Need Bank to Rock Hard -- Daily Cougar

fondu // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Monday, 01.26.04
Last night Rachel and I went to a fondu restaurant in Westwood, NJ. Never had fondu? Man, you don't know what you're missing. You melt stuff in a pot and then dip other stuff into the pot with large pointy sticks. You can melt cheese, chocolate, caramel, the blood of 17 virgins, gasoline, or you can do combinations. We chose chocolate because we're randy. The dipping implements included brownies, pound cake, cheesecake, and an assortment of fruit, that, unfortunately, still tasted like fruit after dousing it in a steaming vat of delicious chocolately goo. When we ran out of food, we tried dipping other items into the pot with disappointing results. Dollar bills, coat check receipts and salt shakers DO NOT belong in the fondu pot and should not be treated as "edible." Everything was great, except before the meal, when I had a busboy spill six glasses of water all over my leg and crotch. I never heard the words, "I'm so sorry, sir" repeated so many times. It was funny in a "this is funny because now I'm wet" sort of way. So, do yourself a favor and check your nearest Melting Pot, where the fondu pots are always hot, and the glasses of water are always abnormally cold and falling onto your lap.

iddqd // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Friday, 01.23.04
So what did you learn at school today? Oh yeah? Hey, that's great. Here's what I learned at work: DON'T ATTACH COVERS TO THE DOCS THAT ARE SENT OFFSITE FOR PRINTING. No big deal, I only spent the last seven weeks attaching the fucking covers to the docs... the carpal tunnel in my wrist is so intense that I catch my hand trying to lop itself off in the middle of the night with the rusty switchblades I keep under my bed. And all because I forgot a very important life lesson: DON'T ATTACH COVERS TO THE DOCS THAT ARE SENT OFFSITE FOR PRINTING.

A big surprise... // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Thursday, 01.15.04
... it snowed again. I hate the local news because during a snow storm they'll usually show a shot of a sunny beach in California or Mahi-Mahi or Pooka-Pakka and be all like, "Dur hur it's nice and warm in these places and you're stuck shoveling snow up to your nipples. There were 7,349 casualties on the roads in Jersey this morning and the high for today will be -12°. Also, an undead army of frozen zombie children will be patrolling the streets in Hudson, Essex and Bergen counties this evening, so plan an alternate route for your drive home. Oh, but in San Diego it's a comfortable 75° and everyone's having unprotected sex and Blockbuster's giving out free rentals and oh wait now it's raining Nestle's Crunch bars. Back to you, Bob." Fucking local news. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a pair of socks to wring out.

Kearny // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Sunday, 01.11.04
My town is pathetic. Examples found "on the internet" (world wide web for the layperson):

Kearny on the Web. When creating a web site for publication on the "World Wide Web," it is important to create a logo featuring a spider web. This way, your viewers will remember that they are, in fact, on "the web." KotW features links to every Kearny-related site on the planet, and the spider web background? Magnifique!

KotW Forums. Are you over 70? Scared to walk the streets after 11:00 am? Concerned that those damned foreigners are stealing all of our jobs? Well then get your curmudgeony ass over to the KotW forums! Every other post features a hysterical old person logging their neighbors suspicous tendencies, such as taking out the garbage, coming home from work every night and going to sleep at a reasonable hour. Also, do the forum goers a favor and "NEVAR FORGET 9-11 BECAUSE TEH TOWERS FELL AND MY NEIGHBOR IS A TERRIST BECAUES HES' A FILTHY TOWEL HEAD."

The Sopranos invade Kearny! OMG invade my ass next please, thanks!!!111. Everyone in Kearny gets a huge erection while watching the Sopranos because there's a good chance that one of their unkempt lawns will be featured as the closing credits roll. The webmaster of this site made a bold, creative decision by offering thumbnail-sized pictures that link to absolutely nothing. "Hay guys! The Sorpanos came to Kerany! Heres' a 3x7 pixel internet graphic that I maed in MS Paint and I think the Soupranoes is a good show bwecause my garbage cans were showed during the opening sequence and then i ejaculaeted all over myself and then went to bed."

iPod mini // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 01.06.04
Apple introduced a new member of the iPod family today, the iPod mini. It has a 4 gig hard drive, is smaller than the regular iPod, comes in five fruity colors and (drumroll)... costs $250. Hoora-- uh... huh? That's a strange price point: my 20 gig iPod that I got last year cost $500, now you can get a 40 gig for the same price. For $50 more, you can get a normal 15 gig iPod. Very strange. I really think Apple could have killed if they introduced something within the $100 - $150 price range. I like the new aluminum casing (minus the fruity flavors -- generic gray for me thanks) but I think the iPod mini has the potential to be another Cube-like failure.

OMG 2004 LOLLERGASM!!! // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Friday, 01.02.04
This year, I will...

1. ... stop weighing 7,000 pounds.
2. ... replace all the content on the site with misspelled Devo lyrics.
3. ... fix the misspelled Devo lyrics.
4. ... buy a new car to replace my current deathbox.
5. ... kill a terrorist with my bare hands.
6. ... sail to the moon on an ocean of dreams.

What are YOUR resolutions? Please feel free to email them to me because I am extremely interested in how fat you are.

<< back to thismayhurt || junk drawer archive