October 2005

Entry #2: Bob Sparhawk // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Friday, 10.28.05
It's round 2 of the Junk Drawer challenge and the death match is really starting to heat up. Today's entry comes from Bob "Robert" Sparhawk and it's about... all sorts of shit. Plus, it was published in his college's newspaper, probably right next to an ad that promises big money for your girlfriend's eggs. Please enjoy this update, because it enjoys you.

Modern scientific technology has advanced more rapidly than ever in recent years. Engineers have produced inventions that allow us to stay connected to loved ones twenty-four hours a day, cars that get eighty miles per gallon, and video games where you realistically can shoot the elderly in the face. However, not every great invention gets the full media coverage that it deserves. I've decided to take this opportunity to bring the Torch to the forefront of ingenuity and showcase some of the lesser-known but still fantastically useful innovations of recent times.

FIFTY PROOF BEER
Who needs a cure for cancer when you can get smashed? Southern German brewer Harald Schneider has successfully pissed away 12 weeks of his life to create what is heralded by both Robert Downey Jr. and the Irish alike as the greatest invention of whatever day he completely invented it: twenty-five percent alcohol content beer.

Now that friend of yours who never drinks hard liquor can more quickly than ever feel right at home in a mass of drunken idiots, which means that friend of yours would have a great time at any wedding on my mom's side of the family. Not only does this more concentrated liquid confidence allow you to get along with people you'll be trying to explain your lack of pants to the next day, it's a great baby step to becoming a dysfunctional alcoholic! No longer will those quitters vomit after just a few shots; after they've performed the equivalent of having the 2004-2005 San Francisco 49ers running a train on their liver with Mr. Schneider's brew, they'll be able to stop paying their bills and going to work lickety split!

THE ANTI RAPE CONDOM
In early September, a South African inventor bestowed her greatest contribution to the human race: the Rapex. The festively-named device is inserted in a woman's intimate region like a tampon, and it essentially transforms the area into a well-disguised beartrap pit of death, butchering all who dare venture in. Used in situations where there is a high risk for rape, such as a night at the club or a "study session" with one of those guys who doesn't know how to put his collar down in your economics class, the device is very similar to a condom, except the Rapex is filled with sharp barbs and hooks, which I suppose would mean it feels like the ones they gave away in high school. There the Rapex lies in wait, like a cobra, ready to carve up and devour any potential rapist's junior-senior.

Naturally, it might prove difficult to remove a phallic iron maiden by oneself, and the Rapex's other great feature comes to light - it may only be removed surgically by a medical team, thus indirectly reporting the attempted-but-abruptly-foiled rape to authorities. There will surely be some hilarious excuses to come out of this, but I personally have faith in doctors' judgment on whether or not the screaming guy with the bloody pants was really "just trying it on at the store."

HELLO KITTY VIBRATORS (Disclaimer: these exist and I did not make them up.)
Like most of us college students, I'm sure you have a very busy schedule. I know I sure do! As a Torch writer, male model, astronaut and race car driver, I hardly have any time left over to just hang around and relax. I know exactly what a lot of you ladies are thinking: "In between classes, work and friends, how can I possibly have time to use my vibrator AND enjoy the uplifting feel-good sensation of Hello Kitty, whatever the hell that is?" Well, I've got great news for you!

Now you can have battery-operated sexual gratification, Hello Kitty style! Sold on eBay by people who only shower in years that are prime numbers, Hello Kitty vibrators are the ultimate (read: only) fusion of vibrator technology and startlingly awkward Japanese product branding! Never before has a love-starved woman ever had the life-changing opportunity to have a poorly-manufactured plastic cat head transform into an oscillating wand of buzzing delight, I hope.

These inventions and many others have enhanced life for all of us. Honestly, do you think that we would have been able to avert tragedy in the Cuban Missile Crisis if Kennedy had not threatened Khrushchev by cutting off the Soviet supply of red Hello Kitty vibrators? The next time you're hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, you see someone in a Providence back alley gripping his gear in agony, or are horrified when a Japanese cartoon with graphic sexual undertones is on television, you can remember: science made it all possible.

Entry #1: DJ Neckspasm // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Wednesday, 10.19.05
Welcome to the first round of the Junk Drawer Challenge! Today's entry comes from DJ Neckspasm, who penned an erotic piece of fanfiction about Nintendo's upcoming gaming masterpiece, the Revolution. Enjoy!

Nintendo has finally unveiled the controller for the Nintendo Revolution/N5/whatever the fuck they end up calling it. Nerds, gamers, and other assorted walking protests against personal hygiene agree; it looks very arousing. Finally bi-curious male gamers won't have to resort to akwardly stuffing the handle of their dual shock controllers into their anus and repeatedly hitting X. Now there's a controller that is the perfect size and shape to satisfy all your rectal pleasuring needs.

Yes folks, the revolution is here and it looks exactly like a dildo and I like it and I’m not even gay, seriously. I can’t wait to see what retarded sophomoric name the internet will come up with for what is essentially a nintendo dildo. With genius ideas such as replacing game in “Gamecube” with the word gay, the internet clearly knows how to strike game companies where it hurts the most. I can just picture Shigeru Miyamoto reading the headline "gaemcube mor leik gaycube mirite??!!" and looking up from his laptop as a single tear spills down over his cheek.

This is the first time in years I’ve been excited about pretty much anything in gaming. I’ve enjoyed videogames my whole life but since games went 3D I’ve often wondered where we were going to go from there. Sony and Microsoft seem to be content to sit on their overheating graphics processors and let their polycounts carry them until the industry dies from boredom. Leave it to Nintendo to step up to the plate and show everyone how it’s done. Please Nintendo don’t fuck this up, this is your big second chance. Don’t let me down.

<< back to thismayhurt || junk drawer archive