December 2003

a little more famous // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 12.30.03
I had my first Photoshop entry added to Something Awful's comedy goldmine! "Huh?" you ask. Forum members were asked to "Fuck up a Movie's Climactic Moment" with the aid of Photoshop by either inserting a graphic or changing dialogue. Most of them were really funny, mine was kind of gay (first one on the page).

Allow me to explain the punchline for non-Star Wars geeks: In The Empire Strikes Back, these huge Imperial walkers are marching towards the Rebel's secret hidden base on the planet Hoth. Luke and pals need to intercept the walkers to give the Rebels a chance to escape the planet. Unfortunately, the walker's armor is too strong for the Rebel's tiny ships, so they have to tie up their legs with tow cables and trip them up. It's a long, drawn out process, but easily my favorite battle in the series. So, as you can see, I successfully "Fucked Up the Climactic Moment." Don't worry, it's only marginally more funny if you know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I'm gay. (not gay) // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Wednesday, 12.17.03

Despite my heterosexuality, my gay love for Hank knows no bounds.

i hate music // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 12.16.03
People says to me, they says, "John, I bet you don't hate all present-day rock music." "Oh yeah?" I reply. Time for some "RAWK" music word association! Ready? Go!

Staind - giant baby
Linkin Park - [[f@990t5]]
Godsmack - Layne Staley
Radiohead - WTF?
Korn - 700 lb. forehead
The Strokes - dirt / grease
Good Charlotte - Hot Topic
Avril Lavignenegne - Hot Topic
Pink - handsome (not technically rock, but whatever)
Metallica - Methuselah
Papa Roach - OMGANGSTDOOD
Slipknot - 25 janitors pounding on garbage cans
Alien Ant Farm - (see Linkin Park)
Creed - Pearl Jam
Pearl Jam - cocks and/or balls
Andrew W.K. - ballerina
Dave Mathews - the "cool" dad
Kid Rock - (see the Strokes)
Nickelback - Chelsea Clinton

"But John," you reply, "you didn't mention this band: _______." "Don't worry," I say, "I hate them, too."

bye grandma! // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Wednesday, 12.03.03
I love observing other people's mental deficiencies. For instance, coming back from New York on the train a few days ago, Rachel and I witnessed some fucking insane shit. The train was fairly packed for a Sunday afternoon... I was standing because I'm a gentleman, and I'm generally slow and lazy, and Rachel was sitting because she's generally fast and pushy. We pull into the Grove Street station, and suddenly, someone is screaming in my ear. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Then, two people are screaming in my ear, "AAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAHHH!" I turn my head, as I assume someone is either being robbed at gunpoint or is having open heart surgery performed with a rusty screwdriver. Nope... not nearly as exciting. A Chinese family is having some sliding door difficulties. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" they, all four family members, scream. A young child's face keeps the door ajar, and she seemed reasonably upset by this. What would you do? The correct answer is to get some leverage by holding onto the handles on either side of the door, and kick your daughter in the face as hard as possible, thereby releasing her from the door's patented Death Grip®. Or, you could just stand there and scream. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" The door slides open for a split second, giving the child enough time to remove her face, but little ol' Grandma wasn't quick enough, and now the doors close again. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" she screams, as the remaining family watches Grandma speed away from Grove Street, undoubtedly on a crash course with wacky, Garden State-flavored ADVENTURE! Bye Grandma! We'll think of you the next time we become completely fucking baffled by public transportation! Despite the fact that this all happened less than 2 feet away from me, I didn't do much to help... y'know... slow and lazy. And I hear "fucking stupid" is contagious.

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