March 2004

eye crust // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Wednesday, 03.31.04
An internal monologue during today's trip to the men's room...

God my hands feel grimey. Did I wash my hands before I left the house this morning? Oh well, I'll wash them now. This soap smells like urine. The lighting is bright in here. I need to shave tomorrow -- what the -- ugh, I have like twenty pounds of crust in my eyes. What time is it? I've been here for two hours and I've had this crust in my eyes all morning? Why didn't anyone tell me? Oh well, I'll just wipe the crust out-- OH GOD SOAP ON MY HANDS STILL! SOAP ON MY HANDS STILL! FUCK. STINGING. OW. SHIT. FUCK. BLIND. I'll use this paper towel to make the burning stop. Does it look like I've been crying? God I'm hungry. My hands are still fucking grimey.

The Creeping Fear // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Wednesday, 03.24.04
The Creeping Fear? No, seriously, you're going to name Episode III The Creeping Fear? Please let this buttertroll be wrong, because... dude, seriously... The Creeping Fear? Granted, all the Star Wars titles sound wrong when I first hear them, but... dude... c'mon... The Creeping Fear? We get it George, you look to old serial films from back in the day as the basis for your crappy film titles... but dude... really... The Creeping Fear? It sounds like a fucking Misfits song. Y'know what, call your movie "The Creeping Fear," let Glenn Danzig direct it, and I'll be the first in line. But for now... dude... seriously... c'mon... The Creeping Fear?

jason x // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 03.23.04
Wow. Jason X was the most ri-goddamned-diculous film I've seen in a long while. People were like, "It doesn't take itself too seriously... it's oh so much fun!" Yes, a funny/scary horror movie that isn't funny or scary was a brilliant stroke of film-making genuis. See, Jason's in outer space now and he's made of metal because the ship did something with DNA and a computer went BEEP BEEP BEEP and then Jason was made of metal because he's in outer space and the dominatrix robot thing liked sex and this was a good movie because the X is for "X-TREME FUN!" I can't wait for Halloween X because Michael Myers will be made out of cotton candy because he dressed up as a clown when he killed his sister so now it all comes full circle and I heard that John Carpenter will direct it and Michael Myers will fight Ash from Evil Dead and I don't know who would win but I know that the Aliens will definitely beat the Predator because the Predator's shoulder cannon goes PEW PEW PEW and the Aliens will just throw a face hugger at him and they'll lay eggs in his stomach and then they'll all fight Ash and he'll beat everyone because his arm is a fucking chainsaw for crying out loud. That's it... I'm working on a script.

no room in hell... // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Wednesday, 03.17.04
I've been getting into George Romero's zombie movies lately, and it seems I couldn't have picked a better time, since a remake of Dawn of the Dead is hitting theaters this weekend. Actually, I shouldn't call it a remake, since it seems like it only shares two common factors with the original: a mall and zombies. The main difference, the one that's making all the nerds cry, is that the zombies can run now. No more slow shambling, arms outstretched... these fuckers can move. And I didn't think it would work until I watched the first 10 minutes of the new film on the USA network the other night (which was such an awesome promotional idea, I wish more movies would do this). Wow. Definitely looking forward to see this, now. Also, for future reference, don't play Eternal Darkness for 2 hours before watching the first ten minutes of Dawn of the Dead. You will shit your pants. No, I'm serious... this game fucked with my head so badly that I had to fucking put it down. THE GAME FUCKING TURNS DOWN THE VOLUME ON YOUR TV THROUGH EVIL MINDFUCK MAGIC. Congratulations Eternal Darkness, you're now officially 10 billion times scarier than that part in Resident Evil 2 when the dog jumps through the window. Jesus Christ.

hot searches // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Monday, 03.15.04
According to the Netscape homepage, these are the top five internet "hot searches" for today, March 15, 2004.

1. Games
2. Atkins Diet
3. Low-Carb Recipes
4. Web Cams
5. Job Opportunities

Although I'm new to this whole "internet" thing, I can safely assume that the list above is full of lies. I've done my own research, and here are the real top five "hot searches" for today, March 15, 2004.

1. barrels full of hot teenage pornography sassy cumshot
2. half-life cd key
3. THISMAYHURT.com STICKERS I MUST HAVE THEM
4. best place to hide my wife's body after i accidentally shoot her in the face 17 times
5. pancakes

e-penis ++ (updated) // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Thursday, 03.11.04
This is the greatest mousepad ever. How do I know this? It cost $20. Even if it wasn't the greatest mousepad ever, I'd still assure myself that it was the greatest $20 mousepad ever. Speaking of rolling in dough, Rachel and I both bought new cell phones that should be arriving soon. She got the Audiovox 8900 and I got the Samsung E715. She's getting a new phone because her current AT&T service sucks balls, I'm getting a new phone because she's not allowed to have nice things without me. So if anyone wants a slightly used Samsung S105 that has been dropped on concrete once a day, every day for a year and three months, let me know.

UPDATE: I had my phone for 4 hours... 4 FUCKING HOURS AND I DROPPED THE FUCKING THING ALREADY. ON FUCKING CONCRETE. Right after I got done saying to Rachel, "I'm going to get a case for my phone this weekend so when I eventually drop it, I won't be forced to go on a nationwide killing spree." Too late. It already has 700 scratches along the bottom and on the battery. Now I'll be getting a case to hide the fact that my stupid fucking pork fingers are incompetent pieces of pork. You're lucky, Samsung E715... you were nearly drop kicked into the fucking Hudson. You're equally lucky, sausage hands, as it took a great deal of restraint to keep me from lopping both of you off with an acid-fueled lawnmower. FUCK.

pledge // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Wednesday, 03.03.04
As I sit in my cubicle, sucking down a 20 oz. bottle of Diet Coca Cola with Lemon, I search in vain for the words to describe the indescribable taste sensation that is now living in my mouth. Though I've never consumed a can of Lemon Pledge, I can only assume that this is the closest I will ever get to ingesting a 0 calorie wood polish. Why do I torture myself with unnatural diet soda additives? "It tastes just like regular soda!" the convenience store clerk exclaims as I spray the entire counter in the sickly sweet "beverage" after attempting to force it down my throat through gentle coaxing and bribery. It does not taste like regular soda because regular soda doesn't make me beat the elderly. Diet Coca Cola with Lemon Pledge flavored trickery does.

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