August 2002

stogue // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Thursday, 08.29.02
Today is "be harassed by a foreign student day" at my office. THRILL as students from foreign lands attempt to procure Rutgers NetID's. THRILL as they simply nod their heads when you ask them for their social security number. THRILL as they think about the answer to this question for 20 minutes: "What is your date of birth?" The small Chinese students are the best, because you could ask them anything, and they will violently thank you. "I'm going to change your password, OK?" "Oh, yes yes yes yes yes thank you thank you yes." "I'm going to shove this pencil into your neck, ok?" "Oh, yes yes yes yes yes thank you thank you yes." My only solace was Rachel's voice on the other end of the line. How come she couldn't ask me to have her password reset or something trivial, just so I would be able to talk to a real live english speaking human being for a while? Jesus christ I need a cigarette.

hooray for children // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 08.27.02
That's what I say! Hooray for children! I believe that they are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way! Except for the four children that live next door, I don't believe that they are our future. In fact, I think they're setting our race back a few years. From the second they wake up at 7 in the morning, until the time they rest their weary heads at 10 at night, they scream. "AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH! MOMMMMMMYYYYYYY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Constantly. Sometimes the littlest one passes out for an hour or two, because he's not really sure how to pace his screaming. The poor little guy tuckers out about midday, but it only gives his little sisters something else to scream about. "AHHHHHHHHH! OUR BROTHER'S DEAD! AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" As I sat in the kitchen eating my two-low-fat-hot-dogs-on-a-pita sandwich, I could hear the little darlings outside: "AHHHHHHHH! STOP TOUCHING ME! AHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP IT! I HATE YOU! AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Adorable. I went down into the basement, dug up the old shotgun and a snow shovel and walked outside. I cracked all four of them cleanly across their little skulls with the snowshovel, then shot myself in the foot with the shotgun. Then I pranced around the backyard screaming for the better part of the day: "AHHHHHHHH! MY FOOT! I SHOT MYSELF WITH MY OWN SHOTGUN IN THE FOOT! AHHHHHHHHHH! OW, HE'S TOUCHING ME! AHHHHHHHHH!" Fucking little bastards.

Jou fuckin' maricon! // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Monday, 08.26.02
I love getting caught up in the most important aspects of movies. Just completely missing the whole point. I can't watch Scarface without telling everyone within earshot how big my Cuban balls are, and how the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls, jou got that? I finally saw The Godfather yesterday, and then I couldn't stop talking about gabagool, even though I have no idea what it is. "So babe, how did you like the movie?" asked Rachel. "Well, I liked the part with the gabagool, the rest of it left me wanting to hear more about gabagool." Then we went to 7-11, and I figured they'd have some gabagool, or at least some literature on gabagool, but I left empty-handed except for some orange flavored Gatorade water. I'm the most exciting boyfriend ever: 3 hour movies and trips to convenience stores! Viva la gabagool.

I have a skin disorder // rachel threw this into the junk drawer on Sunday, 08.25.02
A couple of days ago I made a trip to the dermatologist. I was afraid that he was going to poke around at my skin and tell me that I am going to die a slow and painful death. But, he told me that I have excema. Excema is this simple skin disorder that could be healed by hydrocortisone cream. This skin disorder means that the skin thickens over hair follices causing there to be red bumps on the top layer of skin. To me, excema sounds more threatening than it really is. If someone came up to you and said, "I have a bad case of excema," wouldn't you think they were going to die tomorrow and you did't want to be anywhere near them of fear that you would catch this dangerous disease? Anyway, I am hoping that a lot of hair will not be noticeable after I am cured. I do eat a lot of bananas though. Maybe I am a gorilla after all. Oh well.

mmmm... ham // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 08.20.02
They're painting my office building and it smells like ham. Now I'm not sure if the rug tastes like mustard, but I have verified that my chair tastes like Kraft singles and the cinder block walls look like Italian rolls. Maybe I should have eaten more than a Nutri-Grain bar and 3 Altoids on my lunch break. If you'll excuse me I have some hallways to sniff.

dr. lacki phd // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Friday, 08.16.02

skewl // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 08.13.02
... and with one swift stroke of my number 2 pencil, Earth & Life History II (Dead by Dawn) came to a close this morning. Upon completion, all knowledge of the earth and its history fell out of my brain and was replaced with more important stuff. The final exam was all multiple choice, with super fucking annoying questions such as...

27. The earth is _____________ .
(a) round
(b) a planet
(c) fun
(d) a & b
(e) a, d & b on Tuesdays at 6 pm
(f) all of the above except a, b, c, d, and e


I think I did fine.

devils ain't shit // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Monday, 08.12.02
Two great tastes that taste weird together: NHL2K and Ice Cube's The Predator album. The angriest black man alive providing my own personal soundtrack for the whitest game on the planet. "If I say 'no violence,' devil, you won't respect mine / So fuck the dumb shit, and get my Tek-9." Something tells me Cube isn't talking about the Jersey Devils. Got I hate the white man.

never buy a chevy cavalier // rachel threw this into the junk drawer on Tuesday, 08.06.02
I hate my car. My piece of shit gets me where I have to go, unless it is broken (which is most of the time). My mechanic made me hold the crowbar thing while he put my new "sway bar" onto the car. What would happen if I wasn't there to give him a hand? Would my car ever get fixed? So tonight i deemed myself a mechanic because I helped. Not only did he have to fix BOTH my sway bars, he had to put a brace on my muffler(so the motherfucker wouldn't fall off) and do an oil change (which I am like 2,000 miles over). This took about 2 hours because my car is so fucking rusty. I hate my car. It is such a piece of SHIT.

YAY! I got mail! YAY! YAY! // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Monday, 08.05.02
An imaginary conversation based on real events...

bosslady: Hi John. I've taken a look at the departmental web page that you've created for the help desk, and I'd just like to bounce some ideas off you.
me: ok.
bosslady: Ok, first thing... you see this nice-looking text area you created to put the "help desk news"? Ok, now, that's great, but it would be even more gooder if you could get rid of all that and put scrolling text that bounces off the sides of the screen and changes color.
me: um...
bosslady: Also, this classy blue and white color scheme that'choo got goin' on up in this web-piece? We need it more colorful. Be creative! Lots of graphics and colors to spruce it up, y'know?
me: um...
bossylady: Remember hampsterdance.com? Kind of like that, but, you know, less entertaining.
me: You want animated rodents all over the help desk webpage?

This Toilet Earth // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Friday, 08.02.02
I'd have to say that GWAR's greatest achievement was either ridding the world of the dinosaurs or creating the human race through lots and lots of prehistoric ape rape. Sure, my Earth History professor may preach endlessly about GWAR's non-involvement in the creation of man, but my Earth History professor does not have one of these. But for a mere $300, he can gain the same respect and admiration I have for Oderus.

whoops, i died. // lacki threw this into the junk drawer on Thursday, 08.01.02
Apparently I slipped into some type of vortex when I called out of work, because everyone pronounced me dead on Tuesday when I didn't show up. In order to call out from the Help Desk, you have to send a mass email to everyone in the office stating when you're going to be out, then someone will reply to cover for you. Now I know I sent that fucking email, and I know that someone responded to it because I remember how gay the email sounded. But, he didn't show up for my shift, and there's no record of me sending that email, so my boss was all pissed at me. Fuck you.

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