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est. 02.27.02

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November 2005

If you can't get yourself an XBox 360, the least you can do is fuck five XBox 72's.
50.22.11 ,yadseuT | Tuesday, 11.22.05
What's wrong little fella? My goodness, you're shivering! What's that? You waited on line all night to buy the latest and greatest videogame console? Good heavens, why on earth would you do that? Oh, I see. You heard a rumor that the graphics are better when you buy the system on opening day. Well, that seems reasonable. But you've returned home empty handed! What happened? The cops came and shot everyone in line!? My word! Well, did you shoot back? You're a pussy, no wonder you don't have the newest console. You've got to push and rip and stomp on anyone in front of you to get the latest graphical overhaul of your favorite EA franchise titles.

i totally jousted this n00b lol
I have to admit, even I was caught up in the glamour of owning an XBox 360 on opening day. Why, I'd be the talk of the town with my fancypants graphics and stereophonic sound. Hordes of folks would be lined up around the block to come over and play... Joust, available now in the XBox Live Marketplace for only 400 gamer fun points. Honestly, there's not much else available, so have fun Jousting against children on XBox Live who were born a decade after Joust was considered top-of-the-line entertainment.

Despite my ability to bash anything and everything for a cheap laugh, I braved the shitty weather to hunt down a 360 on my lunch break today. The clerk at Target laughed at me. The folks at Toys R Us gave me a small heart attack by building a pyramid out of empty 360 display boxes. Sears claims that their truck never arrived last night, so I spent about 45 minutes camping out in their electronics section amidst the televisions and vacuum cleaners. I left there with a whole lot of nothin', but found that their vacuum cleaner selection was exceptional and priced quite reasonably. In fact, when it's time for me to buy a vacuum cleaner, I'm going to set up camp outside Sears the night before like it's the XBox 360 launch, complete with fast food, beer and a pot to piss in. Then when they open the doors at 9 am, I'm going to run to the electronics section, pick up a random vacuum cleaner, raise it over my head and yell, "I GOT IT! I GOT IT! FUCK ALL OF YOU I WAS HERE FIRST!" then calmly pay for my purchase and leave. My life is very empty.

But I'm not bitter. Sure, the 360 looks like a lot of fun, but do you know what else is fun? Eating fruit. Reading bible passages by candlelight is pretty fun too, I'm not sure if you guys are into it but don't knock it until you try it. Also, I like to play little games by myself... like I have this one game where I try to guess the number of thumbtacks I have in my desk at work, and then I count them, and then I see how close I was. It's fun. It's nice when things are fun.

 
Shame on you, Mr. Abercrombie and / or Fitch.
how quickly will these show up on ebaums? | Monday, 11.07.05
I think Abercrombie & Fitch's latest line of t-shirts are disgusting, degrading to women, and so fucking hot that I can barely keep the ejaculate in my penis. But, once again, teenage girls have to ruin everything and "girlcot" the sexy tees in order to "make them feel good about themselves" and "stop being treated as objects" and "make room for the new line of 'Jesus Is My Wacky Homeboy' t-shirts." But whatever, I'll just post these dandy little t-shirt concepts below and wait for A&F to send me comically oversized fistfulls of money.


 
Happy Happy Halloween Silver Shamrock
doo dee doo dee doo dee | Thursday, 11.03.05
So how was everyone's Halloween? Did you get tons of candy? Did you play a wacky prank on your parent / guardian / parole officer? Did you TP that autistic boy's house? No, not that one, the other one. The one that farts all the time. Fuck that kid, his house deserves to be covered in paper designed to clean butts. To be honest, I completely forgot about Halloween by the time I got home from work. The doorbell kept ringing, children were outside screaming and pelting each other with Smarties, and eventually I put two and two together. I'll tell you what I didn't do, though: I didn't shoot two 14-year-olds with my hunting rifle. "Trick-or-KABLAM KABLAM KABLAM KABLAM."

ROME (Reuters) - Two Italian boys were recovering in hospital on Tuesday after a 70-year-old man shot them with his hunting rifle because he was frightened by their Halloween costumes.

The 14-year-old boys, dressed as demons, had knocked on the man's door during an evening of "trick or treat" near the northern town of Turin and set off a firecracker.

When the door opened, instead of a treat, the man fired four shots at the boys having been scared by the noise and their strange outfits, the news agency ANSA said.
Yahoo News

This is somewhat Halloween related.
There were some houses that you avoided while tricking and/or treating as a kid. Your mother and father usually know where the pedos live, or where the murder took place a few years ago, and they'll cleverly steer you away from the houses of the damned. "Don't go there, Billy, that family has a mean dog!" Meanwhile, the guy in the "mean dog house" is peaking out the shades, ejaculating into a bag of circus peanuts that he will clumsily reseal with scotch tape and hand out to the next unsuspecting child. Attention parents in Turin: I think it's safe to add crazy old guy with hunting rifle to the list of houses to avoid for next year. He probably wasn't even handing out any good snacks. It was probably all deer meet and candied hooves.

To be honest, I think I'd rather be shot at than take part in lawn horror. What's lawn horror, you ask? You know that one guy on the block that takes Halloween way too seriously? He's got real corpses hanging from the trees in front of his house, jars of dead fetuses lining the driveway, the actual cast of the 1990 remake of "The Night of the Living Dead" reenacting the movie nonstop for weeks among the begonias and shrubs. You go up the doorway, ring the bell and 70,000 volts of electricity turns your hand into a drippy stub. Ravens are pecking at your face, a priest is getting raped at knifepoint by a 9 foot tall demon out in the tool shed. Then the one casket that you didn't notice springs open, and out pops a tiny kitten wearing an adorable witch's outfit, who gently nudges a fun size Butterfinger towards you. You breathe a sigh of relief, pet the pretty kitty (with your remaining good hand) and then watch in horror as it explodes and showers you in chunky cat parts. The owner of the house then opens the door wielding a chainsaw in one hand and a .45 in the other, fires off a few rounds into the sky and yells, "Have a happy Halloween, kids!" before shooting himself in the head. That's lawn horror, folks, and I don't like it one bit.

So hopefully your Halloween was devoid of lawn horror, wacky Italian hunters and farts. Did you hear there's a Castlevania movie in the works? I'm going to cry myself to sleep now, even though it's the mid afternoon, I'm barely tired, and I have no understanding of human emotions.

 

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