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November 2007

Q: What do we want? A: FUCK YOU, PAY ME
that doesn't even make sense | Friday, 11.16.07
LOL NO WRITING GET IT?????
The emails, voicemails and telefaxes have been pouring in, all of them asking the same thing - "How will the writers' strike affect thismayhurt?" Look, I'd be nervous too if I were you. All of your favorite shows are slipping into rerun hell, talk show hosts are staring into the blue void of their wordless teleprompters, your local ice cream parlor refuses to change the flavor of the week because it would involve writing on a chalk board... your life is fucked.

I kicked around the idea of joining my picketing constituents because I'm underappreciated, underpaid, and while I don't write for a television program, I do have a shoebox full of glitter and paste just begging to be applied to neon posterboard declaring how underappreciated and underpaid I am. I was thinking my protest sign could read, "FUCK YOU" on the top line and then, "PAY ME" right underneath it. Monopoly money pasted to the edges of the sign would really drive the point home. The point being, "This man wants me to fuck myself, and then pay him for the pleasure." I would also need a precise, ear-pleasing chant, like, "Hey hey. Ho ho. The Writers' Guild is demanding a greater share of the profits from TV shows sold on DVD as well as those that can be downloaded on the internet and seen on mobile phones. Hey hey. Ho Ho." I also want to pelt people with rotten produce when they cross the picket line to go to work, but that's neither here nor there. I just have a great throwing arm and a crisper full of maggoty vegetables.

But, that's when it hit me - now is my chance to make some waves. What if the writers strike forever? Who will write the very special two hour conclusion to ABC's "Cavemen?" Who will think of new racially-fueled misunderstandings for Sarah Silverman to shuck and jive her way through? It's almost the 22nd anniversary of the debut of "Perfect Strangers" and that reunion show ain't gonna write itself.

You may not believe this, but I come up with awesome sitcom premises all the time, some of which I'll share with you in hopes that one of you knows someone who knows someone that can get this stuff on the air before the Writers' Guild gets their shit together. I've also included my salary requirements, all of which are negotiable.

Our Mouse is a Very Very Very Fine Mouse (Fine Mouse)
Two recently widowed gentlemen live in an apartment together and their lives are turned upside down by a family of animated mice that live in the walls. An unstable, stuttering neighbor that never wears shoes adds to the hilarity. Their landlord (also animated) constantly insinuates that the neighbors are gay, and also helps the gang solve mysteries whenever he can. Oh, I forgot to mention - the mice and the two guys and the shoeless, stuttering neighbor solve mysteries for some reason. And sing.
12 episodes - $350

Untitled Talking Appliance Project
You know what's funny? Things that talk. Especially when they aren't supposed to talk. Remember Garfield, the talking cat that loves lasagna? Or the talking bottle of syrup? Who can forget that movie where the baby could talk? Or the sequel where another baby could talk? Americans have proven time and time again that they love personification, whether in the form of an animated paperclip that dispenses advice in their favorite word processing application or in the form of marital aids that feel just like the real thing. Give the people what they want! How about a talking garbage can? It would be very easy to simulate mouth movements by attaching fishing line to the lid. A sassy blender, a wise old grandfather clock... the possibilities are endless. I guess the show would need a point, though, huh? OK... uh, how about an ex-convict learns life lessons from his talking appliances. Boom. Done. NEXT.
135 episodes - $95

Mechanical Police Officer 5000
OK, so it's the year 4000 and there's this cop, right? And he's always fighting crime and saving lives and whatnot, until one day... BOOM BANG PEW PEW PEW BANG BANG BOOM! He's shot to death, ok? By drug dealers or something. But all of the other police officers are like, "This can't be happening and we have to bring him back to life through robotics." So they do. And they call him Mechanical Police Officer 5000 because he was built with robotic technology from the year 5000, ya dig? Every episode features full frontal nudity, full backal nudity, excessive drug use, buckets of gore and futuristic space technology. MPO5K is the future of crime dramas because it's set in the year 4000 and makes current crime dramas look like fuckin' pussy bullshit.
1 episode (pilot) - $27 million

General Tso's Linguini
What happens when an Italian crime boss is forced to work in a Chinese take-out restaurant? WACKINESS. That's what happens. Joey Garbognialio had it all. Wealth beyond his wildest dreams, a loving family, and the respect of his Italian mob underlings. Until one day - uh, something happens that forces him to lose all that stuff and work in a Chinese take-out restaurant. I haven't quite fleshed out why this happens, but it does, and it'll be a classic pollo out of water story. Anyway, Joey and the Chinese family learn something from each other every week, such as the dangers of stereotyping and the similarities between ravioli and dumplings. It'll be like The Sopranos meets that show Margaret Cho had for a while except it doesn't feature the comedic black hole that is Margaret Cho.
12 episodes - $45

 

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