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est. 02.27.02

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March 2006

lol blueberry | Tuesday, 03.21.06
Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally. Also, please excuse her Sisters For a White America: Gertrude, Peggy and Agnes.
Do you want to hear the one thing I remember from my high school algebra classes? "Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally." But instead of wasting my time trying to figure out what the hell the mnemonic device was used for, I instead focused on Aunt Sally, and why her niece or nephew felt that we should excuse her. I came to the conclusion that Aunt Sally was an outspoken racist.

Aunt Sally: Oh, would you look at that?
Niece: Oh god, not here, not here...
Aunt Sally: Since when did they allow coloreds into the police force?
Niece: Aunt Sally, that's not nice, you're not supposed to say things like that...
Aunt Sally: No, no, no, I want him to hear me! Hey! Colored police officer! Why don't you give that uniform back to the white person you stole your job from and get on a boat back to Afri--
Niece: AUNT SALLY! Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally, officer. I'm so sorry, she doesn't know what she's saying.
Aunt Sally: Don't apologize to him! Now c'mon, let's go to the slanty-eyed buffet for some polk flied lice and egg dlop soup.
Niece: Oh god.

Math was not my strongest subject. I'm not entirely convinced that fifteen-year-old Guarav Rajav is any better, but his ability to memorize 8,784 digits of Pi has to count for something. Maybe he'll get his own mnemonic device, like "Gangly Ukranian Architects Rent Available Venues." See? Now you'll always remember how to spell Guarav.

[Guarav] Rajav on Tuesday recited 8,784 digits of Pi, the non-repeating and non-terminating decimal, placing third among national Pi-reciters and 12th in the world.

His parents promised to get him an Xbox 360 if he reached his goal of reciting a U.S. record 10,790 digits, but he didn't make it.
-- Daily Press

I can't wait to have kids so I can make them memorize useless bits of information in exchange for electronics. In my house, Santa won't be bringing presents to little boys and girls that don't write their Christmas lists in binary. I want a sea of 0's and 1's (in alternating red and green ink) because I am your father and you will do as I say until I am dead. Now start learning how to walk you piece of shit baby!

"I'm kind of disappointed, but I guess I did OK," said Rajav, a junior at Salem High School.

His ranking should be verified by the Pi World Ranking List within two months.

Rajav got interested in Pi recitation when his math teacher held an annual contest. The teacher, Linda Gooding, said she expects students to learn about 40 digits. Rajav recited nearly 2,990 the first time.

Linda Gooding is the type of cunty math teacher I would have had for four straight years of "Remedial Math for the Functioning Handicapped" while all the smart kids would be taking "Advanced Math and Rainbows 101" with Mr. O'Funteacher (but you can call him Lee, he's totally cool with that) where math and rainbows (mostly rainbows) are discussed in a laid back, friendly environment. And pants are optional. "Ms. Gooding, I memorized 42 digits of pi, can I have extra credit?" And she'd be all, "No, I'm docking points because you didn't follow the directions. I only asked for 40 digits of pi, John," all condescending and shit. Meanwhile, the smart kids are having class outside today, catching butterflies and seeing who can spit their watermelon seeds the furthest. This is bullshit, I hate my school.

As for the Xbox -- Rajav turned down his mom's offer of one because he didn't reach his goal. He'll try for the record again in May.

Well, only 2,006 more random numbers to memorize there Rajav, you better get cracking. I'd love to help you out but I'll busy playing Burnout Revenge on my Xbox 360. Yeah, that's right, I have one. You want to know how I got it? Some of us have jobs, Rajav. Maybe instead of sitting around all day memorizing numbers and waiting for free handouts, you could earning a living like everybody else. Here, you want some numbers to memorize? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Those coincide with value meals, from the Big Mac all the way down to the lowly Filet O'Fish. Real world skills, Rajav. Try getting some.

I invented a word and you're going to read about it.
skeet skeet skeet | Friday, 03.17.06
I think we need to add the word "cummy" to the English language. I can't tell you how many times I've needed a word to describe a viscous, off-white (or near-transparent), salty fluid that stains easily. Some examples...

Example A
Soup lover #1: Have you tried the cream of mushroom soup at Restaurant XYZ? I think it's fabulous.
Soup lover #2: I have tried the cream of mushroom soup at Restuarant XYZ, but I found it to be a bit too cummy for my tastes.

Example B
Plumber: I think I found the problem, Ms. Smith. It appears that your drain is clogged.
Ms. Smith: My goodness, how would you describe the blockage Mr. Plumber?
Plumber: Cummy. It's a particularly cummy blockage, interspersed with hair, dried skin flakes and human waste.

Example C
Business executive #1: I need these spreadsheets completed by the end of the day, it is imperative to the project.
Business executive #2: I will not be able to complete the task, for you see, my head feels cummy today.
Business executive #1: Ah, so you're starting to show signs of congestion, say no more.
Business executive #2: Thank you for understanding. My sinuses are overflowing with the semen of a thousand factory workers.

We have adjectives based on every other human excretion: shitty, pissy, snotty, menstrual blood-y. And they're all negative! You have a shitty day, your wife is pissy, your kids are snotty and the diner's cherry pie is gross and menstrual blood-y. Why the hate for the seed of life? Finally, you'd have a neutral word to describe your pubescent son's pajama bottoms after having sexy dreams. "Billy, I've noticed that your pajama bottoms have been cummy lately. Let's sit down and talk about your journey into manhood. I love you son." My new adjective is bringing families together and teaching the world to sing.

Since I invented the word, I suppose I'll have to come up with the etymology. It was created in Northern New Jersey at roughly 5:00 pm on March 16, 2006. I was driving home from work, lost in thought about the positives and negatives of liquid hand soaps, as usual. I pondered why there weren't more liquid facial soaps, and I very matter-of-factly realized the answer: liquid soap is too cummy for the face. And with that, my adjective was brought into the world, soon to grace the pages of Webster’s and the cases of pornographic DVDs for the rest of eternity. It'll be a sad day when I see my word associated with such filth ("Watch as these cummy sluts get their naughty parts ripped in half by an army of well-endowed gentlemen!"), but as long as I get my name in the credits (Head Adjective Creator), I'll get over it.

Postscript: A quick google search reveals that 435,000 people have invented the word "cummy" before I did. But that's ok. At least my last name isn't Cummy.

In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offences are considered especially doink.
DOINK DOINK | Tuesday, 03.07.06
I've found the cure for the common cold... again. I think I found it once before, it involved a combination of Arizona Green Tea, single malt Scotch and prayer. And hamburgers. Nothing but hamburgers. But this time, I turned to television for a cure, and I found it in the form of DOINK. Or, DOINK DOINK to be more precise. See, that's the sound of justice that plays during important scene changes on Law & Order. For instance, check this out:

thismayhurt.com Update
Second Paragraph
Tuesday, 10:54 a.m.

You just got doinked, Quentin Tarantino lookalike.
Three straight days of various flavors of Law & Order from my sickbed (although I like Special Victims Unit the most). Heinous sexually-based offence after heinous sexually-based offence. Children getting raped, children getting raped and killed, children getting raped, killed, then rising from the dead to rape and kill their rapist killers but not before going on an undead raping and killing rampage that makes Ice-T uneasy. And that's just the first 15 minutes. At minute 16, Benson and Stabler uncover some other heinous sexually-based offence that's somehow more heinous and more sexually-based than the first offence. It got to the point where I was feeling asleep during one episode, waking up during another, and the story still made sense. Oh, I see, the show started with a man killing his wife and kids, and it ends with a teenager with Downs Syndrome fighting for her right to bare children. No wonder this show is on 24 hours a day, it dares to challenge the audience with completely unrelated plotlines.

At some point, the USA Network forgot to play an episode of Law & Order, so I fell asleep for a few hours. During the next round of delirium, SPAM subject lines started to make sense. Charlotte Ogden made a very good point: "Enough under and stuyvesant." I stroked my beard in reflection... and also removed the crusty chunks of mucus... and continued reading. "There seemed an unseeing film of flame upon," said Georgia Fowler, and, as always, she was on point. "Buy 2 Get 1 Free!" said DeepDiscountDVD.com, and I obeyed. Apparently I'll soon be the proud owner of both Bill and Ted movies and This Is Spinal Tap. Who knows how many thousands of dollars I spent on Vi agr@ and Nigerian pyramid scams before passing out in a pile of tissues and Halls wrappers.



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