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est. 02.27.02

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April 2002

One Fine Day on the DVD
times are tough when I start quoting the slow jamz. | Tuesday, 04.30.02
Man, I thought I was sooo smooth. Yep, I figured my plan that I planned would go through as planned, but they had to raise the stakes a bit. But that's ok. Payback's a bitch Columbia House. You see, about six months ago, I figured out my greatest scam yet: order some DVD's for a penny, then forget all about Columbia House forever. Clerks, Mallrats, Scarface and Dumb & Dumber were all added to my collection for a reasonably small amount of money. But what's waiting for me on my desk when I get home today? A DVD-sized package. Interesting. I don't seem to remember ordering any DVD sized packages, and I know I responded to every Columbia House flyer, carefully checking, "I'll buy some of your shit later, just leave me alone for christ's sake." I open the mystery package knowing full well that it's going to be some "Director's Choice" DVD that I'll want nothing to do with, and I was sort of right. I am now the proud owner of a 2 DVD set of A.I. I'm not really sure what to think of that. Never saw it, never really planned on seeing it, loved all of Stanley Kubrick's work, but Haley Joel Osment frightens me.

I see how it is now, Columbia House. I have a whole closet full of CD's that I never listen to, all with your name on them. Hmm, what do we have here? An "Addam's Family" soundtrack? "Puya"? 13 copies of Nirvana's "Incesticide"? Yeah, these will do nicely. Eat plastic coaster death, Columbia House!

 
Amiable. Well dressed. Does not, work well, with others.
Get a job or you don't eat here no more. | Sunday, 04.28.02
Jobs! Yes, jobs. You know, working for 'the man.' Getting up every day of your god-forsaken life just to make enough money to put gas in your tank in order to go work some more. In my 20 years of existence, I've had some real "doosies" as anyone over the age of 60 might call them.

Janitor. During my junior year of high school, it occurred to me that everyone around me had clothes that didn't consist of a) potato sacks and b) those orange nets that onions come in. Realizing that most of my clothes came from the produce aisle at Shop-Rite, I decided to get a job as a janitor at my old middle school. While the teachers get to go home during the summer and wait for unemployment checks, the janitors run around the halls like those fucking morons from The Breakfast Club for three months. In order to "janite" a school, you must hate the real faculty. You must complain about how much you hate them every day. They are the reason you work so hard. If the teachers didn't use chalk or scuff the floors your work would be a lot easier, right? So fuck everyone that isn't pushing a mop.
Greatest work-related experience: Breaking and stealing everything in my old math teacher's classroom. Fucking bastard.
Payment: $6 something.

F.I.S. Marketing. If some guy's basement counts as an "office," well then I worked in the most officey building on the planet. Alright, it wasn't really his basement since the building only had one floor, but the state-of-the-art wood paneling and mini fridge from the dawn of mankind gave away its roots. This was the shadiest group of characters I had ever seen, all working under the Sith Lord and Tyrant Ray Allen. This man was pure evil. He was a fund raiser for charity, only he didn't raise any funds and it wasn't for charity. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe what I actually did... anyway, I was the webmaster for his disgusting website which tricked old ladies into thinking they would make a lot of money by giving this guy their life savings and the paneling from their basement. I worked with a slew of Mexican border crossers who would stuff envelopes in the next room while I submitted the company's page to search engines... day... after day... after day. This was the usual conversation between the boss and myself:
ray: Uh, say John? (he always started conversations this way) I noticed that our website wasn't located on this Hungarian search engine that no one uses. Were you aware of this?
me: No.
ray: Well, my goodness John, there must be some type of foul up here. (he always said that too) I thought I told you to enter our website onto every search engine in the known universe.
me: Well, I figured since our page was in englis --
ray: Alright, very good, nevermind that. Print out these labels and give them to Alajandro. (leaves my cubicle, goes to Alajandro, who can't speak a word of english) ALAJANDRO! PUT THE LABELS THAT JOHN GIVES YOU ON THESE ENVELOPES! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
alajandro: si. si.
Now this was every day of my life. He would type up a document in Word 1.7, print it out and expect me to magically turn it into HTML. "Uh, say John? I want that top line in some font that only I have, 72 point, bold, italic, underline, flashing, scrolling, exploding, and link it to that picture of starving children you scanned."
Greatest work-related experience: My god, there are so many. How about the day some nameless Mexican worker pulled up the rug in the next room and was attacked by 1,000 pre-historic insects? Or the day I was almost driven to tears by a fax machine? Yes, those will do nicely.
Payment: Still my highest paying job, $8 an hour. Of course, Ray's personal checks would bounce almost every week, but it's the thought that counts.

CVS/pharmacy. My first and last retail experience, so help me god. Stocking shelves, ringing up old ladies, etc. Just a shitty, shitty job with horrible pay and high school students who made me feel like an old man.
Greatest work-related experience: Throwing a can of meat against the wall which spawned an army of maggots. Having Rachel show up with McDonalds and make fun of me for working with 12 year olds.
Payment: I was a 20 year old making $5.25 an hour. Isn't there some law against this?

Tech Support Guy Thing. That's right. I'll be solving *your* tech problems if you go to the Newark campus of Rutgers and can at least figure out how to use a touch-tone phone. Chances are I'll have tons of dialogue to post on here, as I can only imagine what type of calls I'll receive.
me: Thank you for calling Rutgers Tech Support, how can I help you?
ray: Uh, say John, thank goodness I've found you. There's seems to be some type of foul up--

 
We are GWAR. We'll go far. We've got guitars. We'll eat your car.
WWF's "World" venue pussies out of GWAR show. | Saturday, 04.27.02
GWAR show cancelled in NYC. Excuse me while I pout for three hours and figure out a new reason to douse myself in spew tomorrow night.



According to the World's website, the show was cancelled because of a scheduling conflict. Alright, so who is supposed to be playing there tomorrow night? GWAR have had the show scheduled for months now. Sounds to me like the venue pussied out. Well, that's what you get when your "extreme" night club is owned by a multi-billion dollar corporate conglomorate. I guess I'll just have to pretend.

 
Now where are we dude!? Oh, it's my house.
the disgusting return to my wretched hive of scum and villainy. | Friday, 04.26.02
I'm back home now, with only one more night to stay at Rachel's house. This place is a dump. Actually, I keep it pretty tidy, just the overall feel of the place is rather dumpy. I don't know, I think it has something to do with no one liking me here. "Oh, you're back? You were gone? And you are...?" Not that I let it get me down. Not like I divulge all my depression and angst to a stupid website with a rabbit smoking a cigarette drawn by Kozik and photoshopped to death by myself. Never.

Anyway, some noteworthy people have been dying fairly often lately. Alice in Chains was one of my favorite bands during my high school slacker years, and yet the death of Layne Staley didn't hit me that hard. Sure he was part of a great band, and his voice has been ripped off by every band on the radio right now (creed, staind, godsmack [who named themselves after an AiC song for god's sake]) but it's not like he contributed anything lately. He was so far away from the public's view that he might as well have croaked during the final song of Alice in Chain's unplugged performance. Just another musician obliterated by drugs, can't really feel that sorry for him.

Fucking Left-Eye died, too. You know, the only one you actually remember from TLC because she constantly had gunk under her left eye. Her death struck me a little more than Aaliyah, since I can actually remember more than one TLC song right now. But god, now every R&B video for the next 12 months will be dedicated to Left-Eye. And since I watch so many R&B videos, you can imagine how upset this will make me.

Did you know that Jay is wanted in the state of New Jersey for possession of heroin? Kevin Smith was on Howard this morning, and he answered a caller's question about Jay Mewes' trouble with the law. Dear Jay Mewes: Are you an asshole? Granted, 90% of Hollywood is on heroin, but the last time I checked, your ass was lucky enough to be in 5 incredibly popular movies. Don't fuck it up. Christ, finding out that Jason Lee was a Scientologist was enough to rock my Askewniverse ass. To think the guy who played Brodie actually bought tickets to Battlefield Earth blows my mind.

Oh yeah. I got a job.

ATARI TEENAGE RIOT! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GOOOOOOOO!

 
I'm Dr. Nick Riviera, and I'll perform any major operation for just $129.95!
See you in the operating place! | Thursday, 04.25.02
The past two days have been a little scary, but they've calmed down considerably. Tuesday night I took Rachel to the emergency room because she was having trouble breathing and was really freaking out. I mention the freaking out part only because she's the most in-control woman I know, and to see fear in her eyes put me off my food. So, for the first time in years, I ran to my car like a fucking Duke of Hazzard, popped that sum'bitch into "D," carefully looked both ways, then drove 70 miles per hour to pick Rachel up in her living room by driving through the front of her house. Alright, maybe not, but nonetheless, I was freaking out because she was freaking out, and it was just one big super-freak-out.

My fear started to subside once she began to relax, but still, a trip to the emergency room at 11:00 at night warrents some nervousness. She was complaining of chest pains, and although I tried to remain as calm as I could for her sake, I was a little crying bitch underneath. She's not supposed to be sick, and the last time I had been in an emergency room was about 16 years ago when my mom pushed me down a flight of stairs. At least, that's what I told the doctors back then.

Well, everything turned out ok in the end. The walls of Rachel's chest were (insert "mumbly doctor talk" here) and when something is ailing my girlfriend's bountiful chest, I'll be the first to pick up whatever medication she needs. With the forty some-odd drugs that she's on, and sweet, sweet loving from her hunky quarterback boyfriend, she'll be better in no time. Feel better baboo.

 
let's try this one more time
thismayhurt v2.0, now with less... uh... now with less. | Tuesday, 04.23.02
Yeah, the site's back up. Whoop-de-crap.

Rachel's been sick and I've been staying at her house for the past week while her parents are away. Not that I couldn't stay over there when her parents weren't away, but nonetheless, here I am. She seems to be getting a little better, but I feel kind of helpless since there's really nothing I can do besides wake her up every now and then to take more meds. I'm never really sick, so I don't have the pleasure of dealing with doctors, but I've dealth with enough of them through Rachel in the past few days to last a good while.

Fucking doctors. "Um, you're sick. But not really. Here's some free overstock medication that expired a month ago, that'll be $45, get the fuck out of my office." As Rachel received that speach, I watched the most rambunctious foreign child on the planet play with a twig in the waiting room. I'm used to American children being obnoxious since it's in our water supply, but to see this native child writhe around on the floor, stick in mouth, was really disturbing and made it extremely difficult for me to read the latest copy of Fit Pregnancy. She didn't even take the twig with her when she left, so now every old person that enters the waiting room has to look at the twig and simply wonder: a) why is there a large twig on the floor? b) am I still outside, since it's entirely "bananas" for a twig to be indoors or c) how come I haven't died yet?

Twigs. Doctors. Muscular Pregnant Women. It's great to be back. Everyone take lots of painkillers to help Rachel get better.

 
Who is driving car?
Oh my god, bear is driving car, this cannot be. | Thursday, 04.11.02
Atari Teenage Riot is a funny little group. If you're not familiar with their work, they have a demo built into your TV set right now! Just turn it on to a "fuzzy" channel so you get lots of ear-shattering static. Good. Now play this as loud as possible, and slam your face into a garbage can. Record, rinse and repeat for 12 tracks, then sell.

god i love music.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love ATR. But it dawned on me tonight that they don't have much to offer in the "listenable music" category, or the "deep lyrical content" section. For instance, here's every Atari Teenage Riot song ever written...

TRACK 1 - AN ATR SONG
1, 2, 3, 4... This is the Atari Teenage Riot!
Government officials are MURDERERS!
Yeah go go go go go go go go 1 2 3 4 go go go!
Atari Teenage Riot! Go go go go go!
Fuck the PIGS! CAPITALIST SWINE!
IMPERIALIST YANKEE DOGS!
Go go go go go go go go go go whooooooo!
1 2 3... 1 2 3 4! ATARI TEENAGE RIOT!!!!

But I guess the same could be said for any band really. Like the Korn song where Jonathan pouts like a little girl, then throws a tantrum, then sings like a choir boy, then pouts some more. Shit, that lasted for 2 good albums, then Fieldy became a rapper, Jonathan's forehead got a solo career, and it all went downhill from there.

It's like trying to find a Misfits song that doesn't have the words "whoa" or "go" in it. Or the Ramones.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is that all music sucks. Even my favorite bands suck.

Oh, and I beat Half-Life. I kill everything in the world, and then I die. "Thanks you for playing! You're good at video gmaes! Inswert Coin! Try again! Much fun and happiness for all! Oh no, Gamera!"

This site sucks.

 
The ALF Show: Featuring Henry Rollins and not ALF
Sitcoms that Could Have Been | Saturday, 04.06.02
Welcome to the newsest offering from thismayhurt.com: Sitcoms that Could Have Been. You may not be aware of this, but Henry Rollins took over the role of Willie Tanner on ALF during the never-before-aired final season. Well, the phrase "took over" may be misconceiving, he actually killed the father during episode 5.01 entitled "Get Some Fiber in your Diet, Especially You, Puppet." Although NBC execs loved the idea of having Rollins fill the now available slot, test audiences were not as forgiving. They felt threatened by his violent outbursts, especially during episode 5.04 (entitled "Kate Drinks 700 Protein Shakes Against Her Will") in which the muscle bound punker curb-stomped one of Brian's bullies at school.

Rollins also took over 90% of the writing duties, which brought forth the elimination of the main character ALF during the second episode of his reign. ALF, and subsequently, his voice talent Paul Fusco, were both slaughtered and hung over the fireplace as a constant reminder to NBC stockholders that puppets or their voice talents were not welcome on his new show. Other minor changes also took place: Lynn Tanner spent most of her nights in the garage with the freeweights, Brian wore all black and got tattoos to match his dad's. Kate's heroin addiction, although present well before Rollins even thought of taking over the ALF show, was brought to the forefront, much to the delight of test audiences.

But here's what you've all been waiting for, an exclusive snippet of dialogue from the aforementioned episode "Kate Drinks 700 Protein Shakes Against Her Will." Enjoy.

Kate: Oh dear, thank goodness you're home. Brian's having trouble at school.
Rollins: ...
Kate: The Gooch is giving him a hard time, calling him an Alien Fucker and urinating of his new book of angst ridden poetry.
Rollins: ...
Kate: Well aren't you going to do anything?
Rollins: (throws TV against the wall) There, I did something.
Kate: Sometimes I forget why I even married you.
Rollins: Because your old husband fell victim to my MetRX-fueled fury.

(enter Lynn)
Lynn: Daddy, I blasted my quads all afternoon, what should I do now?
Rollins: I don't know. Break something for the fun of watching it break.
Lynn: But, Dad, the TV was the last breakable object in the house.
Rollins: WELL THEN BREAK YOUR FUCKING FACE OPEN AGAINST THE NEIGHBOR'S SIDING! THIS OPPRESSIVE SHRINE TO DOMESTICITY SHALL BRING FORTH MY DOWNFALL! DAMN, HEY, YEAH!
Kate: Dearest, why don't you go in the garage and lift something heavy, you'll feel better.
Rollins: Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll throw the cat against the wall, too.
Kate and Lynn: Ha ha ha! That's our Rollins!


"The ALF Show: Featuring Henry Rollins and not ALF" never saw the light of day. Although four episodes were taped, the FCC had a minor problem with cast members being killed, and having a dripping carcass mounted over the fireplace. Henry Rollins will not speak of his sitcom career, and the mere mentioning of the name ALF sends him straight to the gym, but so does the mere mentioning of anything, really.

Next week on Sitcoms That Could Have Been: the failed pairing of Samual L. Jackson and Richard Simmons, where you'll *hear* Jackson say, "Bitch, get the fuck off my dick, motherfucker." And you'll also *hear* Richard Simmons say, "I like cock." Goodbye folks!

 
It's so easy to be the latest atrocity.
But it always seems to be a penis that I see. | Thursday, 04.04.02
I have been "surfing the net" for about 4 hours straight today. Why? Because I'm at school, and all of my classes have me sitting in front of a computer with absolutely nothing to do. I look around me at the other simians in this classroom and I realize how badly I want to just run without a destination until my shoes have no soles. Someone just sneezed very loudly in the hallway, much to the delight of everyone in this classroom. A hearty laugh was shared by all. Well, almost all.

What have I learned from my mindless web searching? I really like steak and cheese. URBN has taken too much of my money, and will be receiving more of it as soon as possible. GWAR is coming to New York, where their barbaric offering of debauchery is the order of the day year round. My school newspaper sucks. I reign supreme in my own backyard.

 
Especially those ones about shooting niggas and gettin' fuckin' high.
my special date with a courtney love clone | Wednesday, 04.03.02
Alright, enough of the self advertising, let's get down to some real insanity. Last night I went to pick up my girlfriend from work, so I park the car in front of the office builing and wait. There's a woman on the sidewalk looking down into the street by the curb, my first guess is that she's dropped something (like lottery tickets, money, etc.) so I go about my business. I even back up a little so she can have a better view at whatever it is she's looking for. I forget about her and look down at my phone to see what time it is. I hear a familiar noise next to me from the passenger side: the door opening. She stands there, looking pitiful.

The 1993 recipients of the Mother and Father of the Year Award... run Frances! Save yourself!
Me: What the fuck are you doing?
Crackwhore: Abrhayigihaphonekdoighrah

Ahem. This woman was fucked up. She looked like typical trash (long frazzled hair, missing teeth, big loopy earrings, eyeliner, lots of eyeliner) but she was not drunk. I mean, she was on countless mind debilitating drugs, but I couldn't smell alcohol. She could have been on coke, but what do I know. She looked and acted a lot like Courtney Love, except... well, wow, she looked and acted a lot like Courtney Love. My first reaction was please do not sit down, because I'll have to figure out a way to get you out. Not really knowing what to say, and knowing full well that I wouldn't understand a word she was going to say anyway, I uttered this classic line:

Me: You can't come in here. What exactly can I help you with?
Crackwhore: Abrhayigihaphonekdoighrahdoorargh...(for at least a minute and a half)

I nodded my head as she continued to speak, slowly reaching over to close the passenger door from the driver's side, which I promptly closed and locked while she continued to talk. She didn't really seem to notice that the conversation was over, at least on my end, and she fumbled down the block.

Maybe she was pulled into my tractor-beam-like techno CD madness, thinking that I would have tabs of E and a Hefty bag full of coke. I wasn't really bugged out by how fucked up she was, it just made me realize that I have a hard enough time interacting with sober, well-adjusted individuals. The half-comotose crackhead was more talktative than I'll ever be.

 
The obligatory April Fool's Day update (on April 2nd)
any excuse to post pictures of os x | Tuesday, 04.02.02
OS X: Now with more high-definition puppies holding floppies in their mouths.



I'm running OS X and it's painfully nice looking. Sure it's probably eeking every last bit of power out of my G3, and running it makes most of the electrical appliances around the house flicker and then explode. But everything is so anti-aliased and smooth looking, like some bizarre Photoshop inspired dream.

I went an entire April 1st without being bamboozled by anyone, and I surmised that all news organizations on the net were taking part in the festivities, so I decided not to believe anything. As a child I learned to fear and respect April Fool's Day because I was so fucking gullible.

"Hey John, your shoe lace is untied... April Fool's! Give me your wallet"

"John, I'd love to go the Spring dance with you, just kidding, April Fool's faggot!"

"Son, I love you. April Fool's!"

While I came up with some brutally unfunny ways to celebrate April Fool's Day on this site, I let every other e/n website on the planet take over for me. This update is going absolutely nowhere, so why don't you buy some old beatles cds? Apparently they were rather popular.

 

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