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April 2007

I sting you, BZZT, and I bring you 36 chambers of headbanga, bitch.
abuzzbuzz | Wednesday, 04.25.07
Scientists are developing major alcohol dependencies as they attempt to solve the mystery of the missing bees. Billions of bees have simply vanished throughout the US, Europe and Brazil... their families are worried sick. The nationally televised Bee Crisis 07 Telethon sponsored in part by Honey Nut Cheerios was completely useless as bees can't dial phones or verbalize their credit card information. Soon, real honey will be sold on the black market for thousands of dollars, flowers will go unpollinated, the rivers will run red with blood and we'll all die because bees are probably an important part of the ecosystem like photosynthesis, recycled paper and Al Gore.

The planet is in luck though, because I have something that most scientists don't have - aside from friends. And a razor sharp wit. And a reason to wake up every morning. I have the answer. The answer to the bee crisis. Short sentences. Make things more dramatic. It seems that the billions of missing bees have migrated to my apartment complex, swarming and swooping and making all of our lives a living hell during daylight hours. At least, I'm assuming it's during daylight hours, I haven't seen natural sunlight in a week because they're blocking out the fucking sun.

Hey thanks for coming over, can I get ya a beer or anything?
But why? What does my apartment complex have that others don't - aside from horrible parking facilities. And dangerous levels of carbon monoxide. And junkies that scurry like cockroaches when I turn on the light in the laundry room. I've spoken with a few scientists about my apartment (but told them it was my friend's apartment so they wouldn't suspect anything) and they all said the same thing - honey walls. And yes, I realize "honey walls" is an excellent euphemism for a sassy vagina or the name of a new Bond girl, but let's try to be scientists for like three seconds, ok? Bees make honey. Bees are attracted to the outer walls of my apartment. Therefore - honey walls. That's science talking, and there are enough bees surrounding the building to make the missing bee phenomenomena a thing of the past.

But they have to die.

Tap. Tappity tap. Tap tap tap. That's the sound of the bees outside my window. Apparently they're attracted to the sweet, sweet nectar that's dripping succulently in between the walls of my bedroom, and every night before I go to bed I assume that I won't wake up because the bees will figure out a way to open my balcony door and murder me in one of their 36 chambers of death. At least until my beekeeper uniform shows up, because then it's on like Donkey Kong and Voltron till the break 'a break 'a dawn. A friend suggested that we "smoke them out" because bees hate smoke, but they're still oddly attracted to it because they think it makes them look cool. And while blowing cigarette smoke in their stupid faces might yield positive results, I think burning the whole fucking place to the ground and starting over would be even better. A burning building creates way more smoke than I ever could with my miserable little lungs, and I'm pretty sure that "killing insects via uncontrollable fire" is covered under my renter's insurance, so everybody wins. Except for the families that die in the fire but whatever FUCK YOU BEES NOW I'M LIVING ON EASY STREET WHILE YOU BURN IN HELL. Hehe, honey walls.

"One reason we're in this situation is this is a supersize society -- we tend to equate small with insignificant," May Berenbaum (an insect ecologist at the University of Illinois) said. "I'm sorry but that's not true in biology. You have to be small to get into the flower and deliver the pollen. Without that critical act, there's no fruit. And no technology has been invented that equals, much less surpasses, insect pollinators."
(Washington Times)

Aw, don't be sorry May Berenbaum, it's not your fault. You're just an insect ecologist; you're not smart enough to come up with the schematics for a robot bee. But, your quote is helping men with small dicks feel better about themselves, and that's good for something, right? Small doesn't equal insignificant, there's just less of you to love. And when a girl asks, "Wait, is it in yet?" after you've been pumping away for 20 minutes, that's just her way of raging against the supersize society. Maybe her last boyfriend had the necessary equipment to hit the back of her honey walls, but it doesn't make you a bad person. Deliver that pollen, worker bee. Just get the fuck away from my apartment while you do it.

If you're happy and you know it keep it to yourself please thanks.
fyad | Monday, 04.09.07
We're all a bunch of miserable fucks, but the Happiness Project's Seven tips for making yourself happier IN THE NEXT HOUR is looking to change all that... IN THE NEXT HOUR OR YOUR MONEY BACK. The list consists of simple things like walking in circles, setting up blind dates for your ugly friends and wearing a fake smile because lying to yourself is fun!

7. Act happy: put a smile on your face right now, and keep smiling. Research shows that even an artificially induced smile has a positive influence on your emotionsóturns out that just going through the motion of happiness brightens your mood. And if youíre smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.
(Happiness Project)

That's creepy as hell, but I'm going to try it in the men's room at my job, brb lol... ok I'm back. Wow, the list is right, I was much more approachable. One man approached me and asked, "What the fuck are you smiling at, faggot?" and another man approached me and threw a handful of semen in my face. He also called me a faggot, which I thought was pretty ironic considering he was the one that threw semen in my face. Thanks Happiness Project! My artificial happiness became real happiness once I raked the cum out of my beard!

Look, do you want a real list of shit that will make you happy IN THE NEXT HOUR? Well, you're not going to find it here. What you will find is a list of shit that will make you happy IN THE NEXT DAY OR TWO because unlike the Happiness Project, I realize that my audience is pressed for time, what with all of their myspace stalking and World of Warcraft addictions.

1. Take a brisk walk to the liquor store. Research shows that walking increases your heart rate, helps shed pounds and cures nearly every disease known to man (including MBS [mopey bastard syndrome]). Research also shows that pure, liquid happiness can be found at the bottom of every bottle of alcohol. It's a fact! So why not take a brisk walk to the liquor store, then come home, lock the door, close the blinds and drink until shit makes sense? "I'm so fuggin happy," you'll moan to yourself once you awake a few hours later on the kitchen floor (passing out and cracking your dome on the corner of the kitchen table is a minor side effect of this otherwise perfect happiness exercise).

I have found you can find happiness in homelessness.
2. Help the homeless. Helping those less fortunate than you is a great way to increase your happiness points. It's also a great conversation starter because you can say things like, "Oh, what did I do today? Eh, nothing much, just SECURED MY PLACE IN HEAVEN RIGHT NEXT TO JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF by giving a homeless man 57 cents thankyouverymuch." Why not take it one step further? Instead of throwing change in a bum's general direction and running away before he has a chance to get any of his crazy on you, why not grab him by the filthy hand and bring him home with you for a night of conversation, dinner, and a self-inflicted happiness wound to the head. You're happy because you're a great person. He's happy because you have special walls that block the radio transmissions that dictate every single one of his thoughts... and you have a Brita. Just make sure he doesn't get too comfortable, or your one night happiness stand will turn into a lifelong squatting relationship filled with cans of beans cooked over open flames and getting woken up in the middle of the night because your vagrant friend's teddy bear "heard a noise."

3. Redecorate your hovel. Science has proven time and time again that hanging a poster of your favorite rock and roll band or killing a boar and mounting its head over your mantelpiece is an essential ingredient in your happiness stew. There's nothing better than coming home from a hard day at the office, kicking back on the couch and staring blissfully at your REO Speedwagon blacklight poster, even if you don't have a blacklight. Anime scrolls, DEAF CHILDREN XING signs and framed eviction notices can also brighten any room, especially if you cover them in glow-in-the-dark stars and moonbeams.

4. Splurge on something stupid. I read a lot of blogs about money management (I know, take a few minutes to let the bland, whitebread adultness of that comment sink in) and they all say pretty much the same thing, "Don't buy anything ever." It's all 401k's and money markets and compounding interest up the wazoo on pages like Get Rich Slowly and LifeHacker, and folks that leave comments about splurging on something extravagant like lightbulbs over 20 watts or double-sided tape are immediately ridiculed for their poor spending habits. Saving money is great, but splurging on something stupid is even better. How awesome is it to come home to a giant Amazon box full of stuff that you ordered instead of slitting your throat on a rainy Sunday afternoon? Those other blogs may pass judgment on your new $900 Industrial Hydraulic Platform Lift, but the thing has a 750 pound capacity and a foot release for controlled lowering... you'd be a miserable idiot not to order one. And just think how happy your mom will be when you can get her out of bed without having to call the fire department!

5. Just say 'Fuck it!' Look, no one's happy all the time. You're going to have a crappy day every once in a while, y'know? Sometimes the car won't start, sometimes you fall face first in that giant AIDS puddle, sometimes Burger King won't let you have it your way because there simply isn't enough bacon and American cheese in the world. You're gonna step in dog shit, you're gonna track it through the whole house and no one's gonna help you clean it up. But you need those shitty times to realize how great life can be when you aren't on your hands and knees scrubbing dog shit out of your living room rug with a paper towel. Happiness doesn't come from a list, it comes from sitting around with your friends playing Guitar Hero, or driving aimlessly just to listen to your favorite CD as loud as you want, or quietly chuckling to yourself as you read a hysterical, award-winning blog like this one. Sometimes, god just wants you to be unhappy, so when life gets ya down, just say, "Fuck it!" with your middle finger extended to the heavens, preferably in front of a church to drive the point home. Don't you see? The happiness was inside you the whole time, you miserable dolt!



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