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est. 02.27.02

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May 2005

asdf | Tuesday, 05.24.05
Hello internet. I am using the internet from the humongous cruise ship and I'm sorry that this is going to be a quick update because the internet costs $.50 a minute and somehow the ship is using dialup. So far the trip has been amazing. Yesterday we went to Saint Thomas and rode a parasail. It was so peaceful. We also went to a beach that National Geographic rated either the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, or 10th most beautiful beach in the world, depending on who you asked. I'm pretty sure the top rated beach can be found off the Turnpike somewhere, but don't quote me on it.

Today we went to Saint Maartin and went to this other awesome beach. Half of it was full of naked people, and the other half was full of clothed people with a few naked stragglers. Rachel took a great shot of some guy's ass, and I saw an old woman's titties. We found a good spot on the beach, got ready to soak in the sun, and then it started to pour. Storms have been following us everywhere we go.

All right, I have to cut this short because my bill is probably astronomical as it is. You swipe your room key to pay for everything, and they don't tell you much you've spent until it's all over. I've got them beat, however, since I plan on drowning myself as soon as we dock in Puerto Rico.

Well, goodnight internet. Time to drink heavily and eat until I die. Rachel sends her love.

Capt. Lacki

I'm a person and my name is Anakin!
Yippee! | Tuesday, 05.17.05
Prequel fever is sweeping the nation as the world readies itself for the final installment of the Star Wars tril... uh, sixology. Early reviews are trickling in, and believe it or not, they're actually positive! Well, if you consider "It doesn't suck as bad as the previous prequels" a positive review, and at this point, yes, I consider that a positive review. Maybe that was Lucas' plan all along... release two horrible films and then blow them out of the water with the last one. Actually, who am I kidding, George Lucas never has a plan. He writes the script twenty minutes before showing up on the set, has the actors interact with thin air for a few days and then makes up the rest as he goes along. "Uh, ok, let's put this Jedi over here, but remove his face and put this one on there. Great, now add some awkward dialogue, remove any sense of urgency or feeling from the actors, and make some shit explode. More robots! More goofy, racist aliens! And... cut! Perfect, now that this pesky movie is out of the way, let's make some toys and fast food promotions!"

I don't like child actors. They're coarse and rough and irritating and they get everywhere. Not like adult actors. Adult actors are soft and smooth.
But let's face it. Even if Episode 3 was three hours of a CGI Han Solo taking a shit and rubbing his face in it like some sort of GG Allin space pirate, we'd all still grab our plastic lightsabers and Mon Mothma underoos and stand in a line that wraps around the theater 17 times, clutching our magical midnight movie tickets like a bunch of stupid faggots on May 19th. If movie theaters issued warnings that all audience members would be gassed to death during the finale of Episode 3, we'd all sit there and inhale deeply when the doors clicked shut and embrace our demise with open arms and nostrils. Goddammit, this is Star Wars! The series of films that single handedly turned motion pictures into orgasmic Hollywood events, and showed greasy nerds that it was ok to fall in love with your sister, especially if she agrees to wear a metal bikini to your prom. "Use the Force, Luke!" and "Oota goota, Solo?" and "The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy the station. Only a precise hit will set off a chain reaction!" and such and such.

I did my best to avoid the hype, despite my lifelong obsession with a series of films about homosexual robots and giant monkey men shooting people in the face. I didn't read any spoilers, I didn't look at any pictures, and I plugged my ears and punched myself in the face whenever any of my friends started talking about it. I'm just kidding about that last part... my friends don't talk about Star Wars. Then a few weeks ago, my father started coming down with a fever, and the only prescription was Episode 3, and he started getting me hyped. Star Wars is our father and son thing. He'd watch the originals with me on VHS when I was a kid, he went with me to all of the special edition screenings when I was in high school, and he's seen every prequel on opening day (including Episode 1 at midnight, before we knew better). We even used to have epic lightsaber battles in the front hallway. So this is the end of an era of father/son fanboyism, which is sad.

So, switching gears for a moment, this is going to be a really good summer. I'm leaving for the Virgin Islands on Sunday, taking my first cruise with my special lady friend. It's going to be action packed, with lots of sight seeing, island hopping and eating until they close the kitchen at 3:00 every morning. Not as exciting, but just as awesome is a 2 Skinnee J's reunion show on July 18th! The band's manager (and sole proprietor) sent out an email a week ago, and the tickets were bought before I even finished reading it. My love for the J's is second only to my love of oxygen. And then, uh... that's it. So, my next update should be full of beautiful pictures and beautiful memories and I love all of you so very much I'll send postcards from the boat if I remember to bring stamps which I probably won't and who knows how much postage it would take to mail a postcard from a fucking boat but I promise I'll think about you for a few seconds before I swim with the dolphins and turtles and elderly shark bait.

I've got nothing better to do than watch TV and have a couple of Zithromax.
ALL RIGHT TONIGHT! | Wednesday, 05.11.05
Not dead, but I wish I was. I have this nasty sinus infection that's kicking my ass, and drowning me in a sea of snotty tissues and daytime television. Today I managed to watch Attack of the Clones, Terminator 3 and Scratch, a turntablism documentary. Not to mention two episodes of Law and Order: SVU, The Daily Show, two episodes of Seinfeld and one episode of the Simpsons. I need to go back to work as soon as fucking possible.

And since I'm having a hard time just sitting here without breaking out into a cold sweat, I've decided to give you all some bandwidth to kill. Enjoy.



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