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May 2006

I don't want no hippie pad, I want a house just like Mom and Dad.
my dolls are beautiful but you mustn't touch them | Wednesday, 05.17.06
I've begun the preliminary stages of house hunting thanks to the internet. With the help of modern technology I can just type in the shitass town I want to live in, select how many crackhouses and pedophile lairs I want within a five mile radius, set a maximum price and get results like "Zero (0) matches found. (For better results, try selecting the 'Include tool sheds and bowling alley dumpsters in my search' option)." To all of you basement dwellers who are looking to find a place to call your own, be aware that the preliminary stages of house hunting may include one or more of the following side effects: a) nausea b) uncontrollable crying c) bloody stools d) stooly bloods and e) a strong desire to just say "fuck it" and play Oblivion instead of house hunting.

We'll take it!
Maybe my choices are too limiting. For instance, I think I want a five bedroom house with a circular driveway, a pool, a hedge maze, a planetarium and a self-replenishing bar in every room that descends from the ceiling. Oh, and I want the house built on a complicated pulley system that slowly rotates my property counter-clockwise. Excessive? Sure. But tell me that you haven't dreamt of living in a house that gently rotates you to sleep every night and I'll call you a liar and may be bold enough to imply that your slacks may not be flame retardant.

If my yellowed newspaper clippings from the early 80's are any indication, many first-time home buyers are flocking towards condominiums, or "condos," so that they can have the satisfaction of home ownership along with the "do you think the neighbors can hear us fucking?" excitement of apartment life. Don't feel like shoveling the walkway, raking the leaves or fixing the gutters? Get a condo! You're not responsible for anything that happens outside of your four walls, so go nuts! Toilet's backed up? Rip it out of the wall, toss it in the common area and the condo association will get that shit fixed up lickety-split! The same goes for broken air conditioners, dirty dishes and friends that drink all your beer. Your condo association fee covers it all, or at least it probably does but I actually have no idea because I still live at home with my parents and my collection of porcelain dolls.

I admit that the house hunting process would be a lot easier if I actually spoke to someone about buying a house, or even spoke to someone who just lives in or near a house. I think I just want to be able to say, "Buying a house is so easy! I just went on the internet, found a house and moved in! I'm not even paying for it, and the blood stains of the previous owners came out with just a splash of club soda!" But no, I have to get loans and ARMs and a lawnmower and 401k and HDMI inputs and I don't even know what the fuck anymore. New home-owner message boards aren't helping either... do I really want advice from a grown man named "Hulkamaniac_Home_Owner56" who has a weed smoking skeleton avatar and an 800x600 signature of various Looney Toon characters shitting in each other's mouths? The answer is no, internet, and I hate you with the intensity of a thousand suns.

 

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