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June 2006

HI! WUTZ UP W U? KILL MAYOR L8R 2NITE K? <3 YA! ;)
Send. | Friday, 06.23.06
Text messaging is a convenient alternative to wasting the required amount of oxygen and facial gesticulations it takes to communicate with other people. I fire off at least 1,000 text messages a day to a wide array of friends, clergymen and drug dealers, usually just to ask "wutz up" with them. Other times I'll just jam on some random numbers and letters and pretend that I'm sending out secret codes, when in reality I'm just an asshole with free Verizon IN text messaging and a lot of time on his hands. Text messaging can get you out of some sticky situations as well. For instance, how many times have you been sitting with your coworker in a meeting with the BOSS OF AMERICA, and you get that feeling... in your pants... of poo? Sure, you could politely excuse yourself, hail a cab back to your place, take the elevator to the top of your highrise executive condo and throw yourself off the rooftop, or you could assess the situation through the power of textual messagings...

You: I THINK I SHIT MY PANTS :(
Coworker: OMG U THINK BOSS OF AMERICA NOTICED?
You: NOT SURE. WUT SHULD I DO?
Coworker: DUNNO. U STINK LIKE SHIT THO LOL XD
You: FUK
Boss of America: WUT R U GUYS TXT'ING ABOUT? IM TRYING TO GIVE A PRESE
Boss of America: NTATION HERE & U'R BOTH VERY DISTRACTING :(
Coworker: NOTHIN SIR
You: SORRY SIR
Boss of America: S'OK. DO U GUYZ WANT 2 GET ICE CREAM AFTER TEH MEETIN
Boss of America: G?
Coworker: O BOY!
You: I <3 U BOSS OF AMERICA! ;)

Like, fight the power or something.
But, like everything else in life, text messaging has a dark side. One that could lead to MURDER. Check out this story, or don't and I'll just explain what happened using my wacky brand of internet humor. It seems the inmates at the four major New Jersey prisons hatched a plan so deadly and so diabolical that the only way it could fail was if one of the inmates outlined every detail of the plan on a sheet of paper and handed it to a police officer. The plan?

Phase 1: GO BONKERS. And not like "unsupervised fat child in the ball pit at McDonald's" bonkers, but "crazy criminal shooting you with guns" bonkers. I assume one of the inmates would get the secret word from Conky, and just for argument's sake let's say the secret word is "PANCAKES," and then he'd yell from his cell, "Hey guys! What breakfast food goes great with syrup?" and the inmates would all throw up their hands and yell, "PANCAKES!" and a riot would break out. There would be screaming and yelling and corrections officers getting stabbed with shivs.

Phase 2: Text message a buddy on the outside. During the madness of Phase 1, inmates with cellphones would send text messages to give the go-ahead to initiate...

Phase 3: Kill the Mayor-elect of Newark, Cory Booker. Don't you see? It makes perfect sense! All of New Jersey's finest are busy cracking open the skulls of rioting inmates, so the mean streets of the Garden State would be left completely helpless. It seems that criminals don't like Cory Booker's plan to clean up the streets of Newark, but instead of starting a letter writing campaign or handing out flyers door-to-door, they decided that killing him would be a heck of a lot easier.

Fool-proof plan, right? Remember a few paragraphs ago when I said, "the only way it could fail was if one of the inmates outlined every detail of the plan on a sheet of paper and handed it to a police officer"? Well guess what happened?

The claims were frightening, the plans ambitious and the response swift: a partial lockdown of four New Jersey prisons after guards discovered a letter written by an inmate prison officials say is a leader of the Bloods, a violent street gang.

Written from his cell, the letter described how fellow imprisoned gang members had stashed more than a dozen weapons in advance of coordinated uprisings, followed by the assassination of Mayor-elect Cory Booker.

Oh, leader of the Bloods (who will remain nameless in case he Googles his name and finds this article and text messages a friend telling him to come to my house and kill me), you were this close, but you just had to write it all down, didn't you? Did you kiss the sheet of paper with an audible "muah!" when you were done? Of course now they're saying the whole thing was a hoax, but to what end? That seems like a pretty crazy assed scheme to make up just for fun, but I'm not a criminal mastermind so what the hell do I know? I'm just a guy who likes to send text messages, and if that's a crime then ILL C U L8R BCUZ IM GOIN 2 JAIL :D

 

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