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August 2003

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzap.
It's electric. Boogie oogie oogie oogie. | Friday, 08.29.03
Like cotton, electricity is the fabric of our lives, although it's not as fluffy. When most of the east coast sat around in the dark two weeks ago, I immediately blamed terrorism, found myself a nice quiet bunker and tried to figure out the safest and most efficient way of blowing my fucking brains all over the place. When the terrorists take away our electricity, or our cotton for that matter, we're sitting ducks. What do our anti-terrorist cattle prods run on? Electricity. What keeps our troops protected from the harsh desert winds as they liberate the hell out of anything that moves? Cotton. I rest my case.

Even Amish schoolgirls love electricity!
Now, half of my house is without power again. While my father tried in vain to determine the cause of our return to the stone age, I quickly hit the nail on the head: terrorism. Right in my own house! Is nothing sacred? Luckily, my room still has power, so I can continue downloading 847 episodes of Cheers. I don't even like Cheers; I just need to download something. I'd download the schematics to the shitty wooden box I made in 7th grade shopclass if I knew there was a chance I could be fined by the MPAA. That's right baby, I like to walk on the wild side. I've looked death in the face, and can't nuthin' bring me back.

Whoever wired my house must have been a real fucking genius, and believe me, I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. Chances are, the individual that installed the electrical wiring in my house was not a genius, but in fact, a big stupid dope. How come the refrigerator is still running, but the stove, which is no more than 2 feet away, is not? How come the small TV in the kitchen can be turned on, but the remote, which runs of batteries, vanished into thin air? Why does our toilet require electricity to flush? Should my rug require a 9V power supply to work properly? The answers to these questions (and more!) cannot be found anywhere, because filthy, godless terrorists stole the answers and hid them in a secret cave/bunker hybrid thing.

Electricity is a lot like gravity. You don't realize how important it is until you're floating away into the atmosphere, and your eyes bug out of your skull like Presidential candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger in the hit smash Total Recall. Could Quaid have removed that bug that was planted in his head without the aid of that thing he shoved up his nose? I'll bet you all the flashing appliances in my house that his nose grapling hook didn't run on dreams... it ran on ELECTRICITY. If my case was any more rested, it would be a hibernating bear full of honey and campers' limbs.

 
I got a fever, and the only perscription is Vitamin C and salt water.
I feel GREAT, thanks. | Thursday, 08.21.03
Oh yeah... now this is fucking hot. Wait, what the--
Why, hello there! It's great to be back, here on the craptacular information superweb. Since I know you, my loyal followers, have been waiting with baited breath, habitually slamming on that reload button, asking yourselves, "Just when is that sexy piece of sex going to update his website... y'know, the one that makes my penis and/or vagina ejaculate and/or bleed profusely?"

Well today's your lucky day! Hooray! We're back in bid'ness! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for... my triumphant return to the world of internet humor!

If I've learned anything from Bob Saget, besides how to be tremendously unfunny and gay, it would be "the misfortunes of others = comedy++." My throat has hurt for the past, oh... two years now, but yesterday it reached an all time high. Rachel stopped by for a visit, because she really wanted to watch her boyfriend sulk around in his underpants in between weak coughing fits and 4 hour Halo sessions.

sickboy: Ehhhh... can you look at my throat?
Rachel: Sure thing, sweetheart.
sickboy: Ehhhh... thank you.
Rachel: (looks in throat) Oh, Jesus Christ.
sickboy: Ehhhh... what's wrong?
Rachel: Nothing besides the colony of white bumps covering your throat.
sickboy: Ehhhh... Do you think gargling with this paint thinner might help?

So, yeah, I have white bumps. They're pretty, in a horribly uncomfortable, small shards of glass in my neck sort of way. I'm addicted to Halls Vitamin C throat drops, and so far I've exceeded my recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C by about 700 years. Luckily, my recommended daily allowance of sodium is about triple my Vitamin C intake, as I like to gargle with salt water until I nearly drown in my own bottled 16.9 fl oz. ocean. I figure any day now my sore throat will disappear, or my heart will explode. At this rate, I'd welcome either scenario with open arms, although having my heart explode would probably be less painful than passing baby food through my thorny-assed throat.

So when you're out tonight, enjoying solid foods with your friends, just know that I am home, gently sobbing between hits from the salt bong. You greedy bastards.

 
Priorities.
Have a neat-o summer. | Wednesday, 08.13.03

 
That's a lovely accent... New Jersey?
Austria! Well, then... G'day mate! | Wednesday, 08.06.03
Dear computing public: Office 2000 is not an operating system. Allow me to repeat myself in uppercase, bolded letters, followed by exclamation points and ones: OFFICE 2000 IS NOT AN OPERATING SYSTEM, MOTHERBITCHES!!!!11

Me: Thank you for calling the RUCS Newark Helpdesk, this is John speaking, how can I help you?
Dumbfuck: My computer is broken. Also, I don't know how to make toast. HELP ME PLEASE!
Me: Allright sir or madam. What operating system are you running?
Dumbfuck: Office 2000.
Me: Really?
Dumbfuck: Absolutely. I can confirm with 100% confidence that my current operating system is Office 2000.
Me: That's pretty amazing sir or madam, CONSIDERING THAT OFFICE 2000 IS A FUCKING SUITE OF APPLICATIONS AND NOT A FUCKING OPERATING SYSTEM.
Dumbfuck: Oh, wait, you're right. Actually, I'm running Internet Explorer 4. That is my operating system (OS) of choice, and I also use Netscape XP to dial into my World Wide Website through AOL.
Me: OK sir or madam. Can I put you on hold for one moment please?
Dumbfuck: Certainly. I have all the time in the world, considering I am an absolute fucking jackass.
Me: Thank you. ::shoots self in head x15::

I know I'm being petty, but this shit has got to stop. Allow me to clear things up for you fucking mongoloids: Windows 95, 98, Me, and XP are operating systems. Office (any version) is a collection of applications that includes, but is not limited to, Word, Excel, and Outlook. Netscape is NOT an ISP (Internet Service Provider). Flammable and INflammable mean the same thing. Poo is not edible, regardless of how tasty it looks.

 
Mmm... Pork Faggots®
thank you forums | Saturday, 08.02.03

 

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