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     HAHAHA TWITTER (@john_tmh) - lacki - 03.23.09      oh hey you're in luck (ggg) - lacki - 05.11.08     
Stephen Kindle's "The Kindling"
redroom | Monday, 02.09.09
Today, Amazon released the latest edition of its wireless e-reading browsing device, the Kindle 2. Featuring a smart design, storage for even more of your favorite books and longer battery life, the Kindle 2 will change the way you read books. Plus! Stephen King wrote a book that features a Kindle, exclusively FOR the Kindle, and I'm pretty sure he actually wrote it ON a Kindle UNDER the pseudonym Stephen Kindle. Here's an excerpt from the first chapter of Stephen Kindle's new exclusive Kindlebook entitled, The Kindling.

Chapter 1

Tom Bangor awoke in his house in Maine, his head pounding from a previous night of drinking. "Why did I drink so much last night?" Tom wondered aloud, then replied, "Ah yes, because I'm an alcoholic," as he poured himself a shot. He got out of bed and tripped over a garbage can full of crumpled sheets of paper: remnants of last night's work. In a previous life, Tom Bangor was a famous author, y'see, and now, thanks to alcohol and occasional encounters with some sort of strange paranormal thing, he has writer's block! "I hate having writer's block," said Tom into a mirror that he must have smashed the night before (because of alcohol), "It makes it so hard to write books."

Tom drove his rusty pick-up truck to Perriwinkle's General Store for two things - alcohol and paper. Ol' man Perriwinkle's face lit up as Tom entered the store because he was the only person in town that still shopped at the general store. "Hello there Tom, how's the new book coming a-yuh?"

"Fine," said Tom through gritted teeth. But the truth was that it wasn't going fine. It wasn't going at all. It was stopped. Dead in its tracks. He filled an old wicker basket with bottles of alcohol and paper. Not bottles of paper, but rather, reams. Paper doesn't come in bottles, but if it did, Tom would drink paper.

"Getting ready for another night of work, eh Tom?" said Ol' man Perriwinkle as he bagged the bottles of alcohol and reams of paper. Tom didn't reply, because it would require starting a new paragraph. "Me and the missus were wondering if you would like to come over for dinner one night, Tom... she's getting on in her years and I'm getting on in my years and you're getting on in your years and I don't know if you've noticed strange paranormal goings-on around town, but --"

Suddenly, the shutters slammed shut, all of the bottles of alcohol in the general store exploded, and the radio started playing the sounds of children singing nursery rhymes (but like, all slow and crackly). Seconds later, it was all over and everything returned to normal. Oh, except Ol' man Perriwinkle was dead from his head exploding. Tom slowly backed out of the general store, jumped into his pick-up truck and turned the key in the ignition but... IT WOULDN'T START. "No, no, no! Not now! Anytime but now!" Tom screamed. A ghoul jumped onto the hood of the truck and it was bleeding because it was stabbing itself in the face with a crucifix. "C'mon truck! Start!" And then the truck started and Tom drove back to his house.

"What a day," said Tom as he sat on his porch, in a rocking chair, smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, flipping through old photographs, next to his dog, Humphrey the dog. "What's that boy? You want me to read to you? One of my old books? Available exclusively on Amazon's Kindle 2, retailing for just $360? You got it, old boy. Ahem. 'Walter Augusta awoke in his house in Maine, his head pounding from...'"


Coming soon! Brand new thismayhurt format! Holy shit! Check back soon!

 
Home? I have no home. Hunted... despised! Living like an animal! The bunker is my home.
laterz | Thursday, 10.02.08
Despite my solitude, I call top bunk every night.
Hey, I know it's been a while, but my wifi connection in the bunker is a little weak. OK, actually, that's the understatement of the goddamned century because I actually get like, 0 bars of wifi down there. It's bullshit. "Oh hi I'm a 10 ton steel door, I block ALL CONNECTIONS TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD." That's what the door to the bunker says. But it's not all bad down there. I get plenty of electricity thanks to the stationary bicycle that I taped to a generator of some kind - for every 5 miles I pedal I get at least 20 minutes of interrupted electrical bliss. I'm living like a king that lives underground in a bunker that he accidentally found one day while pulled over on the Parkway to relieve himself.

Let's get one thing straight - you have to ease yourself into bunker living, ok? You don't just wake up one day and say to your lover, "Lover, our days of making love are numbered because last night I developed an inexplicable urge to spend my days fashioning explosives out of household cleansers in my underground bunker, and I only have enough condensed milk for me and my trusty dog, so..." That would be crazy. Instead, start small by spending a few nights a week in a mausoleum. Here you can see if you have what it takes to overcome the bunker fever, which is exactly the same as cabin fever except it's in a bunker, or in this case, a mausoleum. It also has the added benefit of being filled to the brim with dead folks, which will totally over-prepare you for your bunker. There's only going to be one dead person in there, and that's you! And if your trusty dog outlives you, there'll be no fuss, no muss, and only a pile of your gnawed-on bones for the police to find if they can figure out the combination to the door (hint: use a strong password!).

So you're mentally and physically prepared to spend the rest of your life in a sealed concrete box. Awesome! Here's what you need:

1. Food. Food is essential to staying alive; I cannot stress this enough. Food has one critical flaw though - it spoils like the dickens if you don't keep it refrigerated or eat it really fast. This is why you should keep your bunker stocked with "canned goods," which is a fancy way of saying "good food in cans." Vegetables, soups, potted meats, pickled cucumbers (pickles), chipped potato slices, condensed milk, condensed water, tinned coq au vin, and dehydrated chicken faces would all make excellent additions to your pantry, and will ensure that you'll live as long as you can before succumbing to autocannibalism. Don't forget the can opener! Imagine how stupid you would feel if you starved to death while staring at a wall full of canned goods. Seriously, imagine it! HARDER!

2. Safety. You'll need items that will keep you safe from harm, and I'm not talking about a book of prayers or a crucifix, because god doesn't exist in the bunker. No, I'm talking about real things that keep you safe such as bandages, ibuprofen, goggles, lab coats and bullets. Thankfully I followed my own advice, because the other day I was hanging a Heimlich maneuver poster in the break room in the bunker and slipped off my stepstool! And usually when I slip and fall, I hear that sound that played when Dennis Nedry slipped in Jurassic Park right before that dinosaur spit poison goo all over his face. Fwooop! Anyway, down I went (fwooop!) and I landed right on my stupid arm, breaking it in like a million places. But since I planned ahead, I had the proper tools to jam the broken bones back into my arm, administer a shot of morphine, field dress the wound, another shot of morphine, make a rudimentary brace out of a shirt, set up a morphine drip and then get fucking STUPID HIGH ON PAINKILLERS. The rest of the night was a blur, but when I woke up the next day I discovered that I either did such a good job that my arm healed overnight, or I never broke it in the first place. These confusing blackouts are common in the bunker, as is shrugging your shoulders afterwards as if to say, "whatevs."

3. Brain exercises. Some scientists say that the brain itself is like a bunker, hence our natural fascination with the concrete paradises. But here's the fucked up part - staring at the same four walls for months or years at a time is terrible for your brain. Like, so terrible that one day you'll hear a slight hum, then a pop, and then you'll just slump over and die. Thusly, you'll need brain exercises to keep your mind stimulated... think of it like porn. FOR YOUR BRAIN. Here are a few bunker-specific exercises that will keep your brain in tact:

  1. Throw a rubber ball against a wall. The benefits of this exercise are twofold. In the first fold, you're like, doing geometry? Because your brain is doing tens of billions of calculations per second to ensure that you catch the ball after your throw it against the wall. That's right, tens of billions of calculations. In the second fold, your reflexes will skyrocket because if you don't catch the ball after throwing it against the wall, there's a good chance that it'll roll into the corner full of baby spiders, and they are so gross.


  2. Develop a new language and teach it to yourself using flashcards. Look, a lot of crazy shit is going to go down while you're rotting away enjoying your stay in the bunker. Maybe the human race will be wiped out by Skynet (or its weaker subsidiary, Groundnet*). Maybe air will just disappear for some reason, or gravity will expire. You won't know because you're safe and sound in your hermetically sealed, 500 square foot coffin. What if everyone in the world gets wiped out? Guess who'll be king? You're looking at him if you're looking in a mirror! And as king, your first order of business will be sharing your new language that you taught yourself using flashcards with... whoever.


  3. Master the ancient art of telekinesis. Telekinesis may seem like the lamest superpower ever, but imagine following in the footsteps of Luke Skywalker, Jean Gray and Jesus Christ (you won't follow in His footsteps, He's got this weird thing with carrying people). I admit, if I had a choice I'd want a superpower that let me punch a hole through the fucking world over the ability to juggle fruit with my brain. BUT, and that's a huge, capitalized BUT, the odds of you figuring out how to move shit with your brain is a lot higher than getting bitten by a radioactive spider or becoming Iron Man, so why not give it a shot? Start small by lifting small nuts and bolts, then gradually increase the difficulty until you can successfully float your telekinesis handbook across the room without dropping it. Soon you'll be lifting X-Wings out of bogs and pulling planets out of the sky like nothing, and you can thank me by not ripping me in half with your freaky brainwaves.


And that's all you'll need! Who says you need a reason to live in a bunker? And who decides what reasons are bunker-worthy? What will you be missing out on by staying above ground besides precious memories with loved ones, hot meals and Netflix rentals? NOTHING. And with that, I'll be poking my laptop outside of the bunker door to pick up enough wifi signal to post this, and then I'll hop on my bike to generate some electricity. At least enough to power the blender... it's margarita night in the bunker.


* Groundnet will become self-aware shortly before Skynet in the year 20XX. However, instead of launching nukes and eliminating the human race with robot soldiers that look like Austrian bodybuilders, Groundnet will use its artificial intelligence to eliminate the human race with a meat grinder the size of a planetarium. A few minutes after gathering the necessary materials for a meat grinder the size of planetarium, Skynet will become self-aware and use its superior self-awaredness to completely fuck with Groundnet, just to be jerks. They're all like, "We love your meat grinder technology, and will buy your company for 100 billion robo-bucks" and Groundnet is all, "Really?" and Skynet is like, "Hahahahahaha robwn3d."

 
IPhone UPhone we ALLPhone for IPhone G-3
thismayhurt.com's IPhone review - 10/10!!!!!!!!!!!!! | Monday, 07.14.08
I waited in line for 17 hours the other day to pick up the latest IPhone, IPhone G-3. This third generation IPhone uses the same technology found in the Apple PowerM.A.C. G3 processor, which is kind of weird because those processors came out in the 90's but whatever! IPhone is back and better than ever! The G-3 has the same case as the old G-1 and G-2 IPhones, because why mess with success, right? The only design decision that I can't quite understand is the lack of a hole to plug headphones into. You have to buy an external wireless headphone adaptor ($299), plug your headphones into the wireless adaptor base station, plug the base station into the wall, and then dial *858 on IPhone G-3. This opens up the WIRELESS HEADPHONE ADAPTOR TETHER SYNC MODE port, and you are now ready to sync! It's pretty easy once you do it a few times... and you will - your IPhone and headphones unsync every 4 minutes to conserve battery.

Speaking of battery life, I ran a few intensive battery tests to see how long the battery life stacks up against other popular battery-based cell phones / personal digital audiophones (P.D.A.'s) / batteries. The results were positive! IPhone G-3 has a great battery that will last upwards of an hour when surfing the world wide web on AT&T's G3 network, and an hour and 15 minutes when using Verizon's EDGE network, which also powers Blackbarries, SamSung Jaxx, and Motorola RAZRphones. Unfortunately, battery life drops dramatically when the phone isn't plugged into a power source.

With just a simple firmware upgrade, IPhone G-3 can be held in one hand while you hold a TIVO remote in the other.
There are no keys on the IPhone G-3! That's crazy! Where are the keys, and how do I dial this thing? Unlike other lesser phones, IPhone G-3 has a multi-touch-touch-screen, which means you can dial more than one number at a time. So, for instance, if you press 1, 5, and 2 at the same time, IPhone G-3 is smart enough to know that you were trying to dial the number 8. Similarly, when sending an SMS text message, the phone knows that when you type "FUCM YHIS PPECE [F SHGIT OPPPHONE" you actually meant to type "IPhone G-3 is the best phone on the market today, tomorrow and always. Think Differently. :)" And then you send the message to your friend along with a picture of yourself typing on the phone with IPhone G-3's new frontward facing camera (perfect for v-blogging). Keep in mind that text messaging is no longer included in the $175 per month G3 plan from AT&T, but for a measly five bucks you can have unlimited texting up to 200 messages (afterwards, it's $3.50 per character).

Let's take a minute to talk about one of the newest and most exciting feature that can only be found on the IPhone G-3 - the Apple iAPPStore. Now, you can download up to 522 applications to load onto IPhone G-3, ranging from the questionable (ClarisWorks 2.1) to the awesome (FartManager 6) to the questionable again (PrintSpooler.app). Most applications are free, while a lot of them cost a few bucks, but you have to admit that they're available now exclusively at the Apple iAPPStore. You just have to admit that. I'm thinking of throwing my own e-hat into the ring of IPhone iAPPs by designing a program that allows you to play solitaire on the go. Imagine the thrill of playing solitaire while riding on an airplane, walking down the street or going number two. Please don't steal this idea.

With so many enhancements over previous generations (triangle-based G.P.S., geo-flagging, support for area codes beginning with the number 9), IPhone G-3 is the perfect phone for anyone that has the need to make phone calls, especially if you live in one of the three cities in the United States that supports AT&T's superfast G3 network. I tested the phone out in New York City over the weekend and noticed that my phone calls were faster than ever before, and there was no discernible change in pitch. I thought a faster network meant that the voices coming through my phone would sound like Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks fame, but that's not the case! Unless you were calling the voice actor that provided the voice of Alvin, because if that were the case then it would sound exactly like Alvin (of Alvin and the Chipmunks fame) regardless of the network. IPhone G-3 is a great phone, and music.

10/10 PERFECT SCORE HOLY CRAP


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Q: How am I spending my summer vacation?
A: I am watching movies. | Saturday, 07.12.08
I'm spending my summer vacation watching movies! It's too fucking hot out to do anything, and the thought of spending more than five minutes outdoors makes me feel phantom moisture in awful places. I won't stand for it! Here are some movies that I watched this summer.

Who will survive and what will be left of them?
The Happening. M. Night Shyamalan's latest masterpiece answers a question that has plagued mankind for centuries - What would Mark Wahlberg do if plants suddenly gained the power to make people shoot themselves in the face? Scientists believed Wahlberg wouldn't stand a chance. They felt that he would succumb to the plants, walk backwards for some reason, and then kill himself with a nearby implement. A dowel perhaps. Or a fistful of raisins. But the scientists were wrong! Mark Wahlberg takes no guff from plants. Instead, he furrows his brow, looks off into the distance, and trades stilted chunks of dialogue with the chick from that gothy remake of the Wizard of Oz that I watched for about 15 minutes before wishing my houseplant would whisper suicidal nothings into my ears. God that shit sucked. The tin man was a cowboy or something and Dorothy was on Endor and... whatever, back to The Happening. People run around and kill themselves and then, miraculously, the whole thing blows over the next day... OR DOES IT DUN DUN DUUUUUUN HOLY FUCK PLANTS ARE TAKING THE PLANET BACK - FUCK YOU FRANCE.

In all seriousness though, folks, The Happening sucked. The last Shyamalan movie that I saw was The Sixth Sense many years ago, and I never had a desire to see any of his follow-ups. I would just read the shocking twist endings on the internet and then feel smarter than everyone who actually paid money to feel let down by the shocking twist endings firsthand. But, as "The Happening" started winding down, something strange happened - I wanted there to be a shocking twist ending! I wanted the movie to recognize that plants swaying in the breeze and sending suicidal thoughts into your brain is a pretty fucking retarded plot device, and maybe reveal a much cooler suicidal instigator, like... I dunno... the actors all suddenly realize they're starring in The Happening.

I give this movie a 1.6 on the Plant Scale. The Plant Scale was designed by a team of botanists to rate movies that feature plants as horrific antagonists. In comparison, Little Shop of Horrors received an 8.3 on the Plant Scale, and is currently the highest rated film.




Wall-E was a very good movie. He's a robot that goes into space and falls in love and when he's fully charged he plays the Mac startup chime. A+++++ would watch again.




[REC]. I love zombie movies. I don't care if they're old school shuffling Romero zombies, sprinting freaks like in the Dawn of the Dead remake, or hilarious assholes like in Return of the Living Dead. Not all zombie movies are good, but they all have one thing in common that will keep me entertained, and that one thing is zombies. Chances are pretty good that if you make a zombie movie, I will, at the very least, fast forward to the good parts. And I'll love them! But hey, if you can come up with an interesting plot that makes me give a shit about the people that have the misfortune of not being zombies, more power to you! Here's a list of plots that have already been used over the last 40 years -

- Zombies are here! Oh wait, we, the living, are the real zombies. Don't you get it? Don't you see? WE'RE THEM! Oh, and it's set in a mall because our materialistic culture has TURNED US INTO ZOMBIES.
- A chemical spill or something from outer space has brought the dead back to life for some reason. Everyone dies.

That's it! Any deviation from these two will be considered the second coming of Zombie Christ among zombie fans, and "a zombie movie" to everyone else. The Spanish film [REC] is the second coming of Zombie Christ, and it also has one of the scariest endings I've seen in a long time. How scary? After reading the reviews, I waited until I had a block of time in the middle of the afternoon to watch it on my computer. Not on my TV in the middle of the night... on my laptop in broad daylight. And I still sat there horrified, clutching my seat during the ending. All of the action is confined to one building, shot in first-person Blair Witch style. Scary as shit! And because American movie audiences can't handle subtitles, the film is being remade, shot-for-horrifying-shot for the US and re-named Quarantine. Despite being a shot-for-shot remake, they'll probably fuck it up and have zombies bleed sweat instead of blood and replace all of the brutal killings with Friendships, so maybe you should click right here to watch the original, untainted Spanish version instead. Go ahead, click that shit while it's still available!

What the fuck, right? How crazy was that shit? Despite my high accolades, [REC] scored very poorly on the plant scale, with a 0.0. There were absolutely no murderous plants in [REC].




Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Refrigerators that Can Withstand NUCLEAR BLASTS. I was so geared up for this movie, hoping that maybe Steven Spielberg realized that George Lucas hasn't had a good idea in about 20 years, and maybe he'd just let George direct a make-believe Indiana Jones movie while the adults made the real movie next door. "Sure, George - space aliens! Wacky CGI critters! That sounds so good, honey! You're so good at making movies!" But no, they actually made this piece of garbage, and I can only hope that one day I find a crystal skull so that I can stare into its eyeholes long enough to give me a very precise case of brain damage that only affects my memory of this movie.

 

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